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Seawank

Good news, everyone! Not only are you now reading this in Professor Farnsworth‘s voice, but also my computer is working again! You may not have realised that it wasn’t working, but of course it’s hard to tell you on here that I can’t really make any blog posts when I can’t really make any blog posts. Sure, technically I could blog from my phone, but ew, no.

Anyway, I’m back, though honestly still likely to be intermittent as this summer has really caught me in a hands-off sort of mood.

Although, that’s not always the case.

You see, at the weekend I went to the beach. There were a bunch of us, Crush included of course, and we had a great time being ridiculous and summery. We swam, we bought fish and chips, we doused ourselves in sun cream, we ribbed each other, we built sandcastles, we collected the world’s tiniest shells (that aren’t outright sand, clever clogs) and we dug a giant hole.

In the process of building said giant hole, I became absolutely head to toe covered in sand. There’s probably a fetish for that, because there’s a fetish for everything. In any case, there was no way I could get changed back into my clothes like that, so I headed for the waves for the third time that day.

This time, because it was getting late, none of my friends would come with me. Fine, I thought. I’ll enjoy myself anyway. The sunshine was starting to cool and the lifeguards (what luxury!) had just headed back indoors. The only people even in the sea besides me were paddling and that just doesn’t count.

At my depth, just deep enough that I could comfortably put my feet down if I wanted, I was alone. The people in the breaking waves were far away, the people on the beach even further. Suddenly, a naughty thought overcame me. No-one could see what I was up to. It’d be ages before I was back in the sea again and even then I wouldn’t be alone.

Fuck it, I thought, I’m trying a seawank.

Why not? A bit odd, maybe. The sea was cold and British and not the most romantic of notions. I’d come from a group of my friends and would be going back right after. People could see me, though not what I was up to with the water so dark and deep, and I could see people. But why not? It’d be interesting, exciting, adventurous, though probably not much of a success.

So I slipped my Special-K-red swimming costume aside and found my clitoris with my right hand, the other one keeping me vertically afloat and just bobbing off the bottom now and then. To onlookers, I was just having a very lazy swim.

As I say, it was cold, though it was the warmest water of the day. It was also unusual and even a little uncomfortable, so it took a little while to get my engines going, as it were. I could try and make it sound erotic (and in a way, it was). Heck, I’ve made zombie sex sound erotic, so I’m convinced I could do it. But, though there’s something erotic about daring and, even uncomfortable, adventure, it was more fun. Frivolous. A bit of (not so) innocent fun.

Why not wank in the sea? A guy might leave unwanted substances in the water for the other (zero) swimmers, but my juices would be there whether I was coming, ahem, or going. No harm done. I came to a satisfying, though not mindblowing, orgasm and I felt incredibly content with myself. Like a child with a secret. A secret they tell everyone on the Internet.

Once I’d adjusted my cozzie, I tipped myself back and floated for a while. With my friends around earlier there’d been too much horseplay just to float, eyes closed. I’d have ended up with a dunking or a face full of seaweed. But now I could float and slowly drift, with the sun beating through my closed eyelids, turning my world into one of peachy-yellow warmth and weightlessness.

I grew up by the sea and I’m too wise not to open my eyes every now and again and check I wasn’t drifting out, but in the minutes at a time that I floated there, I felt supremely peaceful. I felt my body stretch and relax and revelled in my senses much more than during the supposedly more sensual bit of self-pleasure. By the time I decided to come back to the shore, it was like a beautiful non-religious religious experience. I was appreciating life.

I came out of the water feeling powerful, free, peaceful. I wish I could say it was the seawank that did it, but I think it certainly helped set me up for it. The daring, the childish glee, that laid the basis. It’s something I’d never have done if I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t disturb anyone, but I’m glad I had the opportunity. I recommend it, if you’re careful and you go in with no expectations.

Plus, that’s another masturbation location to add to my (short) list. Dear diary, things I’ve done: had a wank in the sea. ♦

Review – LELO Gigi 2

LELO Gigi 2

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Gigi 2 by LELO in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Gigi 2 is a luxury G-spot vibrator made by high-end toymakers LELO, touted as an update of “arguably the most positively reviewed Pleasure Object ever created”. Pleasure Object aside, it’s true that the Gigi 2 is, rather obviously, an update to the Gigi, a toy which I’ve sadly never tried.

LELO Gigi 2 PackagingThe outer packaging of the Gigi 2 is a cardboard box, white on one side with pictures, contents and product blurb. The other sides are the colour of your toy. Inside this is a thick, matte black cardboard box with your Gigi 2 nestled in a velvety cut-out. In a compartment at the end of the box you’ll find the charger, a sachet of LELO lube, a user booklet, an authenticity card and a black satin pouch (which I’ve already lost).

For the Gigi 2 itself, well mine is a lovely vivid electric blue, but it also comes in three other colours: a subtle light grey and the usual pastel pink and magenta. From the coloured silicone, the toy is separated from the white plastic handle by a silver plastic ring or band. Aesthetically I prefer the bandless Mona 2, but that’s up to personal taste.

It’s rechargeable (and keeps charge very well), it’s waterproof, it comes with a travel lock (important for rechargeables) and, being silicone and hard plastic, it’s body-safe and non-porous.

The Gigi 2‘s silicone is essentially a layer over a solid form, meaning that it not only feels incredibly silky and non-draggy (LELO silicone is great), but is also very inflexible. This, for me at least, is important when it comes to clitoral stimulation (I like pressure), but especially so for G-spot stimulation (pressure is one of the major ways that works). And since G-spot orgasms tend to involve a lot of bucking about for me, a solid toy is excellent.

The Gigi 2 is fantastically shaped with a wonderful G-spot curve that makes it almost effortless for me to come that way. Really, sure, if I want a better orgasm, it’s a little more effort, but it feels absolutely great just with lazy penetration. Shape-wise, it’s basically like a smaller (and weaker) PicoBong Moka (made by their own subsidiary) or a vibrating LELO Ella dildo, with that perfect G-spot shape. When I tried to compare them in terms of G-spottiness (technical term), I couldn’t really pick a winner. Just going to have to do more tests!

LELO Gigi 2 SizeFor the size, as I say, it’s smaller than the Moka and it’s shorter, though slightly bulkier, than the Ella. It’s slightly less than an inch in diameter at the narrow neck and only a little bigger at the base of the insertable section.

It’s about 6.5″ long, of which a measly 3.5″ (down to the silver band) is insertable. That’s not too bad if all you’re trying to reach is the usually-not-far-in G-spot, but it leaves only 3″ for the handle and this poses problems.

Its modest size, means there’s almost nothing to grip onto when you’re using it internally. Externally is fine (I’m used to my We-Vibe Tango as a favourite toy, after all), but it practically disappears inside you for G-spot use. And since I like my pressure and my angles, good grip is important.

The control pad on the Gigi 2 is rather awkwardly placed for that too, it’s almost exactly where I want to press for G-spot pressure (unlike the side buttons of the Moka). I don’t know why I don’t have this problem so much with the Mona 2, which has its buttons in the same place, but I’m guessing it’s because the far bigger handle allows me a better grip that doesn’t make so much use of that area .

The control pad is also pretty cramped. Instead of having four wholly separate buttons (again, like the Mona 2), the Gigi 2 has an iPod-style control wheel type interface, which is just less easy to use in the heat of things. Heck, I sometimes even have trouble turning it off AFTER the heat of things. It isn’t *horrible*, but then I see it sitting next to the Mona 2

Yes, this is going to be a theme.

One of the things that does make it perhaps a superior sex toy for certain purposes is its broad, flat head. Whilst I prefer pinpoint stimulation for my clit, what really counts is the pressure and solid broad head vibrators come a close second. More importantly, the head is, at least to me, just better for G-spot stimulation than anything rounded or pointed or what have you.

LELO Gigi 2 Shape

If you’re keen on vibrations on your G-spot (and if you’re not, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just buy a dildo, like the Ella), you’re going to probably be a little disappointed with the Gigi 2. Heck, if you’re using it on your clitoris, you might be a little disappointed too: it’s just not that powerful. LELO claims to have made it 100% more powerful than its first incarnation, but I haven’t tried that so I can’t comment. What I can say is that it’s… wait for it… not nearly as powerful as the Mona 2. Or even the battery-powered PicoBong Moka!

It’s… fine? Fairly decent? If you’re keen on power, this likely won’t be enough. For most people, well, it’s probably OK. The highest setting will get me off clitorally, but it will also leave me wanting more. Since I don’t need G-spot vibration to make a G-spot orgasm, I didn’t mind that the vibrations were a little pathetic internally. I can only assume they didn’t put the superior motor of the Mona 2 and Ina 2 into the Gigi 2 because of space constraints, but considering the handle is too small anyway, that just makes the size issue even more vexing.

So, the strength is decent but not stellar, but what about the vibration modes? Well, the Gigi 2 has a fair few of them eight in total (including steady vibration), and they’re a good variety. There are pulses of varying speeds, ramps (weak to strong, repeated), two  type of hills/rollercoasters (weak to strong to weak, repeated) and a crazy random everything-goes mode which PicoBong would call “Bumper Cars”, but which LELO neglects to name.

And it’s quiet too. Very, very quiet indeed. Even on full whack, the Gigi 2 sounds a bit like a phone on vibrate. On the lower settings, you probably wouldn’t even notice it was on in the same room. It’s certainly quieter than my computer.

CONCLUSION

LELO have made a toy that is fine. Even decent, good. Honestly, when you look at some of the things I review, this is a good toy. It’s just not fabulous. It’s body-safe, which is very important, but that’s not so much ” a plus” as “not a slapped wrist and a rant”. It’s rechargeable and waterproof. It’s very pretty and comes in some good colours and in lovely packaging that’s great for gifting. Where it does well, the shape of the toy, especially for use on the G-spot, it does incredibly well. I love the shape.

The size would not be a problem for me if I only I had something to hold on to. It needs a longer handle. We may disagree on whether it needs more length or girth inside. It needs better controls, though the ones it has aren’t terrible on their own. It needs more vroom. It is not keeping up with the rest of its extended family on that front.

And that’s just it, really, isn’t it? Mona, and even Moka, have just ruined me for the Gigi. Big sister Mona 2 is stronger, bigger, perhaps even more beautiful, and easier to manipulate. All the Gigi 2 has over it is its shape. Cousin Moka is also bigger and stronger, though not itself nearly as strong as the Mona 2, but it comes from a different family: cheaper but also non-rechargeable. It has an appetite for batteries. And if you were never really in it for the vibrations, but just that glorious shape, there’s little sister Ella too. Still small, but easier to handle and ultimately uncomplicated.

Again, this is a good toy, but £79 is a fair whack. For that, you should get a fair whack. And I’m just not sure the Gigi 2 ultimately provides it. But if the shape is important and you need vibrations, but not the strongest ever, and you want a rechargeable toy, well, Gigi 2 it is. And if that is you, you can get it here. ♦

House of Eros Double wooden dildo

House of Eros Double Wooden Dildo

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free House of Eros Double wooden dildo by Sex Toys 123 in exchange for my honest review. Click pictures to embiggen.

♦ The House of Eros Double wooden dildo, sold by Sex Toys 123, is long, slim, handcrafted sex toy made by kinksters House of Eros. I was particularly excited to try my very first wooden dildo (after conquering plastic, silicone, glass, metal and ceramic) and to add another sex toy achievement to my imaginary list. House of Eros make six different shapes of wooden dildo, all made from the same wood in the same way. Mine is the Double, but you can also buy the TripleBalls, Egg, Pointed Egg and Two of Spades.

House of Eros Double packagingThe packaging  is very basic. It comes in a bag that is a sort of clear plastic sleeve with stapled on cardboard branding on the top. You have to tear the packaging to get into it, but you may find it still works fine for storage if you tear/cut it sensibly.

Inside the bag is the dildo itself along with an A4 piece of paper that serves as the manual for the toy. It contains a little bit of backstory on the art of wooden dildos, information on the process of making the toy and the finish used (even if the information is only the name and “take a look at Wikipedia online”), as well as care instructions.

NEW TO WOOD?

The first question most of you are thinking of involves splinters; don’t panic. Reputable makers of wooden sex toys (and, let’s face it, disreputable makers of any sex toys are going to give you a bad time) take great care in shaping, sanding, burnishing and polishing their dildos to make sure that there are absolutely no rough surfaces or chances of splinters. Depending on the quality of your toy and its finish, you may find it begin to roughen over time, so buy responsibly and make sure to examine your dildo before use for any imperfections. Try not to drop the wooden toy on hard surfaces, as it may chip.

Wooden toys, again from reputable companies, are non-porous thanks to their sealant. These sealants and polishes are chosen to be body safe and hypoallergenic, though you may want to check particulars before buying. To be extra careful, it’s best not to boil or dishwasher wooden toys. Instead, wipe down your item with water and anti-bacterial soap. Wood should last a lifetime if it is treated well (no cleaning it with a scourer!).

Lastly, be careful with yourself. Wood, while not as heavy as glass and metal, is a very hard material. Wooden toys do not flex or give. It would be relatively easy to get a bit overly keen and bruise yourself, but on the up side, this unforgiving material makes for some very intense sensations, especially if you like to apply pressure.

THE HOUSE OF EROS DOUBLE WOODEN DILDO

In terms of size, the House of Eros Double is rather slim and very long.

House of Eros Double sizeIt measures a good 12″ long, in fact, with around 9″ intended to be insertable. The widest points of the main bulbs come at around 1″ and 4.5″ from the tip, with another flare at 9″ at the start of the handle (though there’s no reason you’d have to stop there). The two upper bulbs are 1.4″ diameter, while the bulb intended to begin the handle is 1.6″. The main shaft is narrower at about 0.9″, with the handle widening to 1.1″. The handle ends bluntly at 1.5″ across, while the inserting end forms a rounded point.

The House of Eros Double wooden dildo is a beautiful looking dildo. There’s no mistaking it. Each dildo is handmade from sapele wood, which may mean variations in exact shape, grain and colour, but I think it’s safe to say that all of them will be gorgeous. The picture on the Sex Toys 123 website is a lovely pale pine-like colour, while mine is a more caramel light-mahogany shade. When you first get out of the bag, it is wonderfully glossy and polished. The shape is elegant and smooth, the feel of it in your hand is wonderful. You’re looking at a toy that is very ergonomically and aesthetically pleasing.

Speaking of pleasing, environmentally pleasing is not normally one of the aspects I consider in my reviews, but is something I feel may definitely be appropriate when talking about wooden toys. Obviously, dildos already have the edge on battery or power hungry vibrators, but wood is also a great material in that it is renewable, recyclable and biodegradable, thus leaving a lot less of an impact on the planet. The plastic packaging doesn’t quite stand up to this, so it’s not perfect, but it may be more eco-friendly than many plastic or even silicone toys.

In terms of whether the wood itself is good and green (compared to other woods), it’s all good news. According to the Good Wood Guide (the things I do for sex toys), sapele wood is often connected to illegal and destructive logging, so to be eco-friendly it should be certified to come from plantations or other forest-friendly sources. House of Eros have assured me that all their wood comes from certified supplies.

The coating on the House of Eros Double wooden dildo is listed on the info sheet as carnauba wax (and erroneously on Sex Toys 123 as “carbona” wax), which is a hypoallergenic and body safe wax often used to coat pills, pipes, cars and sweets. It’s certainly safe to be ingested or inserted, but I found it also very easy to damage. After one normal masturbation session with the House of Eros Double, my dildo was no longer super glossy, but largely very dull with mottled patches of shininess where it presumably hadn’t yet come off.

Here’s the House of Eros Double before first use:

House of Eros Double shiny

And here’s the dildo again after being used:

House of Eros Double dull

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that those photos hardly look striking, but it’s actually incredibly hard to capture on camera. It’s definitely duller than it was, though, I’ve had second opinions in case I’m going mad. Plus, you can still see (although I’ve not been able to get it to photograph!) the areas where it retains is lustre compared to the newer spots where… the wax has worn away? Been abraded? All this from being in my vagina, which is kinda where I expect my dildos to go. The info sheet makes mention of “preserving the shine” with pure beeswax polish or olive oil, but I’m ultimately not particularly happy with a product that drastically loses its shine and smoothness by doing what its designed to do!

Indeed, its perhaps the case that House of Eros themselves feel the same way, as they’re discontinuing this line of dildos shortly to replace them with acrylic coated ones, so keep your ears open for those.

In any case, onto how the toy feels in use. Well, just marvellous, actually! I often feel that downsides, like the shininess issue, irk me even more when the toy is otherwise really good and I feel the same here. The House of Eros Double wooden dildo feels really, really good. The length of it makes it easy to use as there’s lots to grab old of, while the narrowness (combined with the generally smooth, dragless material) makes the House of Eros Double very easy to insert. Lube may not even be required or preferred.

The House of Eros Double is hard and unyielding, meaning I don’t need to thrust like mad and meaning that its very easy to exert pressure where and how I want. Squish has its place, don’t get me wrong, but I love that in a toy.

The two bulbs work together to stimulate you. Either I’m probing the depths of my vagina with the first bulb hitting my A-spot and the second bulb stimulating my entrance or I can use it more shallowly and use the first bulb, or the head I suppose, on my G-spot and front vaginal walls. In fact that’s really where this wooden dildo shines. It’s not curved, but it doesn’t have to be. I can set it right in the right place for my G-spot and then only the slightest of movements back and forth will create delicious pressure and intensity and soon I’m coming hard. It’s really the bulbs and the rigidity, in fact, that make the toy.

House of Eros Double tipCONCLUSION

The House of Eros Double wooden dildo is a beauty, but a flawed one. Really, the only issue I could possibly have with it is the issue of the coating dulling or even becoming removed, of the toy losing its glossiness and some of its smoothness, but that issue for me is large enough that I can’t outright and wholeheartedly recommend this toy. Not without provisos.

Essentially, it’s a toy that is wonderfully inflexible and hard, without being as heavy and cumbersome as metal or glass. It won’t respond to temperature changes as easily either, which some may prefer. It’s long, making it easy to hold. It’s slim, making it easy to insert. And yet, it’s not disappointing or unfulfilling. It doesn’t need girth to do its job, because it has those wondeful bulbs to do it instead. The head is fantastic at stimulating my G-spot and making me orgasm with very, very little effort. I can thrust with it too, if I want.

Not only that, but it’s environmentally sound. No batteries, no power, no plastics. Recyclable, renewable, ethically sourced, handmade and biodegradable. A real eco-toy.

And it’s beautiful. Smooth, shapely, it feels good in my hands, better in my orifices. It has a naturalness, an earthiness, a beauty not made of “feminine tones” or sparkles or fanciness. It’s just that that beauty dulls. The carnauba wax is not up to keeping shiny when exposed to that most common of dildonic adversaries: the vagina. Is it safe? Well, the wax itself is body safe, but what about the dildo when that wax has faded and rubbed away? How do I know the sealant won’t do the same and turn my toy into bacteria heaven? I suppose I can’t. Which is why I’m likely to research further into this (I’ll report any results) and for now use a condom with it. And that’s just a damn shame. Because what’s the point of having a wooden dildo if I can’t feel that lovely wood up against my skin? Goddamn it, I want to fuck a tree.

So, if you want a rigid toy made of something more unusual and more green than plastic and glass and you don’t mind the coating issue, give the House of Eros Double wooden dildo a go by picking it up from Sex Toys 123. If that all appeals but you can’t get over the coating, look elsewhere for your wooden dildo. Maybe I’ll get sent one that I can compare! ♦

Review – Tantus Cush O2 Dildo

Tantus Cush O2


Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Tantus Cush O2 by Tantus in exchange for my honest review. Click pictures to embiggen.

♦ The Cush O2 by Tantus is a large dildo made from Tantus’ O2 silicone, meaning it features dual densities of silicone. The supersoft white silicone forms a squishy layer over the firm density blue (in my case, as I have the Ice colour option, rather than purple Twilight or pink candy), providing varying sensations, especially around this toy’s prominent second ridge.

Tantus Cush PackagingThe packaging is the standard Tantus fare: lovely and eye-catching to look at, simple, non-tacky yet also not overly discreet (what with being see-through). It sadly doesn’t always hold up well to being used for storage and may split. I tend to keep my Tantus dildos in storage bags as they pick up dust and lint very easily. Don’t worry about storing them together, they’re super-safe.

As I say, you can get your Tantus Cush O2 in one of three colours, but I absolutely love my Ice one. It’s a gorgeous, ethereal blue and white combination that looks a little like liquid nitrogen over a deep pond. The effect is thanks to the aforementioned O2 dual-layer silicone: where the top layer is thinner, such as just below the toy’s second ridge, the blue comes through more. It really does look icy.

Tantus Cush SizeIt also has an interesting look in terms of shape: somewhere between realism (with the head of the dildo) and non-representational (the simple shape and added ridge). Size-wise, the Tantus Cush O2 is very long and girthy, certainly one for the Size Lovers.

The Tantus Cush O2 is just under 8″ long with just over 7″ insertable, 1.8″ diameter on the shaft and around 1.9″ on the widest part of the (admittedly squishy) head.

I certainly needed a warm up on every occasion (and yet I didn’t always with the Tantus Max O2, which is actually bigger. Is it the Cush or am I losing my touch? I’ve decided it’s probably neither but very well might be the effects of stress on my body). I also needed a healthy dollop of lubricant. On the first few times I tried it, it felt uncomfortable even with other toys beforehand, but I think that’s down to me not quite getting myself in the mood as much as I should have. Recently I’ve given it a go and, in a better mood and having got used to the toy, it’s felt wonderfully comfortable very quickly and stayed that way even after I’m done. No soreness, no “I’ve pushed myself a bit far”.

Coupled with its size, it’s also a very firm dildo in terms of flexibility, with very little give. It stands up dead straight on its base with no support. You can bend it, but it takes two hands and a fair bit of effort.

What helps with the size and relatively unbending nature of the Tantus Cush is that it’s O2 silicone: it’s got a hard core but a gloriously squishy outer layer. OK, so the matte texture gives it a fair bit of drag, but the squishiness more than compensates for any problems that might cause. In the case of the Cush, the dildo gets squishier the nearer the bulbous tip it gets. In fact, I’d say at least the top inch is all squish (which serves to make insertion easier than it otherwise would be) and is therefore much gentler than its rather pointy shape would suggest.

Tantus Cush Tip

The only places where you may find the shape a little troublesome are the ridges. Or in all likeliness, like me, you might find them incredibly stimulating instead! The Tantus Cush O2 has two ridges, one where you might expect at the base of the head (the corona) and one pronounced one that starts about three inches from the base of the shaft on the top. Neither of these ridges affect the bottom side of the shaft, which is very smooth.

Tantus Cush RidgeThese two ridges really stimulate the front vaginal wall and can even pleasure the G-spot (not everything has to be curved to hit it!). They do for mine. Since both the ridges are made from the supersoft material, they’re much more forgiving than they look and make you feel wonderful rather than catching horribly.

In fact, the Tantus Cush O2 is so good at stimulating me, I found I only really needed very small movements to feel absolutely amazing. It was very easy to come. and you don’t need to pound away, which is probably good considering the size.

CONCLUSION

The Tantus Cush O2 is a fantastic toy from a fantastic company that makes fantastic products. There is really only about one thing I could think of that could make it unsuitable for someone and that is the size. It’s big. It’s not for everyone. If you can’t see yourself coping with a girthy toy like this, try something else Tantus makes. The Tantus Flurry O2, for example, is the same length, material and colour range and features two ridges, but is only 1.5″ in diameter.

If you can see yourself working up to this girth, or you’re already a full-on Size Lover, then I think you’ll love this toy. It’s got all the usual Tantus qualities of being absolutely body-safe, sterilisable, non-porous and made of 100% high-quality platinum O2 silicone. It’s anal-safe, if you’re bold, and harness-compatible thanks to its flared base. It’s big and firm, but with a lovely layer of squish on top. And, most of all, it has those two fantastic ridges, particularly the second one, which rub the front walls of your vagina and stimulate your G-spot (or at least mine) with the slightest effort.

What’s more, it’s beautiful, too. So I’d suggest you rush out (well, online) right now and buy the Cush O2 from the lovely guys at Tantus. You deserve it. ♦

Prime Time

♦ Dear everyone, welcome to my favourite pants. Oh, and I guess there’s me there too, but, y’know, whatever. The point is, these are just the best pants ever. And they’re not even for my gender.

Obviously, because they have robots on them. And girls only like ponies.

In any case, I remember that when I was a teenager I’d have been terrified to have been caught in pants like this. Full ass coverage? Ick, granny pants. Who cared about comfy? If people found out you weren’t cheese-wiring your own ass-crack, you were probably frigid. Best years of your life, eh? Ugh.

But I’ve tried thongs and briefs and French knickers and while they all have their place, my heart is well and truly set on that king of knickers: manpants. Sure, imitation boypants, the female underwear that just steals the style, are fine and comfy, but they so rarely have anything cool on them. But actual boxer-briefs, neither boxer nor brief, are covered in awesomeness (and cock jokes, but you can’t have it all).

And these are just the best I own. Motherfuckin’ Transformers.

Prime Time

You can only just see Optimus Prime there, because of the totally-subtle hand down my pants, but there’s also Hot Rod (there’s no way I’m calling him Rodimus Prime) and Ultra Magnus. Yup, they even themed which Autobots were going to be on there based on the Matrix of Leadership. I’m impressed.

But I’ve probably lost most of you now, so, er… Look! I’m totally touching myself! Rrowr! Who said geeks weren’t hot?

So, what are your favourite underpants like? What characters would you put on your ideal geeky (or otherwise) pair? ♦

Sinful Sunday

Review – Jimmyjane Hello Touch

Jimmyjane Hello Touch fingertip vibrator

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Jimmyjane Hello Touch by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest opinion. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Jimmyjane Hello Touch, sold by Lovehoney, is the latest “hot new thing” from sex toy hipsters and bouncy-castle-mongers Jimmyjane. Now, you’ll notice that’s a fairly loaded sentence, so I’ll be honest with you: I asked to test the Hello Touch half because I considered that it might have genuine potential and half because I really hoped that it didn’t.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t. It’s awful, but I suggest you read the rest of this review to find out why, just in case you and I disagree. And because it should be funny.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Packaging

So, the Hello Touch is a fingertip vibrator comprised of a slim control box, which rests in a stretchy grey wristband, and two vibrating silicone fingerpads attached by a Y-shaped wire to said control box. It comes in a matte box which looks like it was designed by Apple, but still has quite a lot of information on it, even if some of it is lies (“intuitive interface”, “powerful”). There is supposedly more information in the manual, but I found it a bit sparse as it was solely pictorial.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Manual instructionsThe two of us followed the instructions in the manual to insert the batteries for the first time and we were completely lost. It took us about five minutes to actually manage it and neither of us are exactly stupid.

It probably didn’t help that the Hello Touch runs on AAAAs. Yes, quadruple. What even are those? I’d never heard of them. At least they’re included, because they’re hard to find and not cheap.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch ContentsThe plastic insert in the box that holds both the manuals and the toy is a bit naff, and I wouldn’t use it for storage. Luckily, the Hello Touch comes with a black fabric case for the toy and that would be quite nice if it had another popper to actually keep it closed. As it is, it’s just lopsided and silly and not as secure as I’d like.

It doesn’t need to really be secure, though, because even if you leave the batteries in the Hello Touch, one thing that’s really not going to happen is it turning on by itself. This is because it’s hard enough to actually get it to do that when you’re trying. The buttons on the controller are very unresponsive, leaving me to often have to remove the controller from my wrist to use it. This is not helped by the fact that for some unfathomably stupid reason (likely aesthetics) the buttons aren’t labelled. So without instinctively remembering which is which, you’re not even sure you’re hammering on the right one. I constantly forget which is which.

Hello Touch ControllerTo make it even more frustrating and poorly designed, there are THREE circles printed onto the grey wristband, but only TWO actual buttons on the controller. That middle “button” is just a useless circle that does nothing other than toy with you.

So, in Jimmyjane’s dream, sometimes a circle means a button and at other times it means bugger all. Because that’s an “intuitive interface”.

“Why are there only two buttons anyway?” You may ask. Because this £45 vibrator has only one speed. ONLY ONE SPEED. That’d be awful for that much money even if that speed wasn’t pathetically weak and buzzy, which it is. The problem is that what vibration there is is significantly dampened by the simple act of actually wearing the fingerpads and touching something. I’m not even sure if I care that the Hello Touch is on. The first time I tried it, I got to my orgasm eventually, but I had to give in and warm up with something better first. On subsequent occasions, I’ve just got bored before I come. I like a bit of power, but I’m not actually all that hard to make come and I certainly don’t often get too bored to orgasm.

As I say, the wearing of the fingerpads suppresses the vibration and actually makes my fingers vibrate more than my clit. If you hate vibrations on your fingers, you’ll hate this. Crush (who hates vibration of all kinds) reckons he could just about stand it if he HAD to and it felt weird even to me. You definitely can’t do Jimmyjane’s suggestion of wearing the Hello Touch on the back of your fingers and turning your fingers into vibrators, as that makes the vibrations even weaker. My clitoris just can’t feel it and the rest of me just doesn’t care. Plus, the silicone straps of the fingerpads get in the way of that idea.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Fingertips

At first, it seems nice to have the vibrations of the Hello Touch follow your fingers (and if the concept worked well, I think I’d really like it) until you realise it doesn’t live up to the concept. You spend most of your time readjusting the pads when they fall half-off your fingertips or they start not sitting right. I found I really wanted my fingertip vibrator to actually sit on the tips of my fingers as much as possible, as opposed to halfway down the pad of the finger. It’s just so unergonomic and the pads are so bulky. I didn’t have space for both pads on my clitoris, especially not if I wanted to move them, and it was very awkward.

To make matters worse, the pad I was using then fell half-off as I came. Which is just not what you want.

Jimmyjane also states that “HELLO TOUCH is the smallest fingertip vibrator available, and the only one optimized for both internal and clitoral stimulation”, but when I tried internal G-spot stimulation, I found the device itself got right in my way. And then one of the pads came off my finger whilst inside me and I had to pull it out like a tampon. Ugh. That is certainly the mental image I want to associate with my orgasm. My juices got all over the pads and pad-straps, including in between the vibrating pod and its holder itself, making it a bitch to clean.

If you think Jimmyjane recommending G-spot use and the pads falling off is bad, check this out: Jimmyjane specifically suggests you put these things up your arse.

Hello Touch Pad RemovedYes, really. They think you can, and should, try anal with these things. That’s just not safe.

That little silicone finger pad that holds the vibrating pod is not actually attached to anything at all. It could easily come off inside your rectum, especially with the obvious addition of lube and rubbing.

You could lose those inside your ass, especially when you consider that the whole thing came off my finger easily in my vagina and all I had were the wires to pull it out. In the arse, one pull like that could lose the silicone finger-straps. Please don’t try this and shame on Jimmyjane for suggesting it.

So, it’s weak and the fingerpads are too bulky for tight spots, come off too easily and are not exactly fun to wear, but at least the wristband itself is OK. It’s about the only part of the Hello Touch that’s comfortable and it’s fairly generously sized without being too baggy. It fits me easily and comfortably, and I’m quite overweight, but it’s not too loose on Crush’s skinnier wrists either. I also quite like the futuristic grey, although that aesthetic is largely ruined by the ugly stitching.

Wearing the Hello Touch

CONCLUSION

The Jimmyjane Hello Touch is a seriously bad toy and an expensive puff of nothing. Its “intuitive interface” is not only unresponsive but also very poorly designed, its “ultra-compact” fingerpads are not comfy, ergonomic or easy to use and keep where you want them. Not only that, the Hello Touch might work OK for gentle caressing and touch, if you like things really gentle (and a bit androidy), but it sure as hell doesn’t work for use on or in the female genitals. I couldn’t try it on Crush, because he hates vibration, but I can’t imagine the finger pads would stay on well during a hand job. And God forbid you put it up your butt.

All that I could forgive if it at least felt good. But it’s buzzy and weak and I cannot believe that the Hello Touch experience was essentially so tedious and pathetic that I got bored of wanking. It’s touted as powerful, but I can tense my arm until my fingers shake and I’m pretty certain I’m a more powerful vibrator than the Hello Touch. ♦

Dildology: Love Dildos? Donate!

♦ Regular readers of this blog or followers of my Twitter no doubt know I’m what some people could call a Sex Toy Snob. Sure, I get picky about limited colour choices and the gendering of fuck objects and the weakness of certain shitty vibrators, but there’s one area where I just don’t think the label Sex Toy Snob applies, because it’s just what everyone should be worried about.

The safety of your sex toys.

See, many of them just aren’t safe. You’ll have heard me talk before about my own bad experiences with dodgy jelly toys, how they went icky and gave me chemical burns, and you may have even read my 10 Reasons To Avoid Jelly Sex Toys. It’s easy then, isn’t it? Just avoid jelly! Sadly, that’s not the case. Horrible chemicals like phthalates aren’t just limited to jelly, they’re found in all sorts of porous sex toy materials, not to mention the fact that porous materials are impossible to truly clean. Well, surely just avoid those, then?

But it isn’t that easy. Unfortunately, sex toys aren’t regulated and there is no way you can know what on Earth a material with a fancy name like Crystalessence or Sil-a-gel is (unless you do some snooping) or even that a toy that says it’s phthalates-free or made of silicone is either of those things.

Until now.

Dildology Logo

Dildology.org is a not-for-profit organisation and awesomeness-machine run by Crista Anne, Dangerous Lilly and Val Orenda with the purpose of raising the money to scientifically test sex toys in a proper laboratory to discover once and for all what’s really in them and if they’re actually safe for us. Their mission statement reads:

The sex toy industry is on the rise, yet it remains largely unregulated. Dildology.org intends to provide material verification services and maintain a public database of the results, adding transparency and oversight to the industry while educating the public about the science behind pleasure products. We stand on our own, unaffiliated and uninfluenced, and we are dedicated to protecting the health and well-being of the dildo-loving population at large through education (and maybe a little entertainment).

As an unbiased, unaffiliated, non-profit organisation, Dildology.org can’t take on any advertising in order to raise money, so they are asking for your kind donations. The majority of donations will go towards product testing and the rest will be used for fundraising incentives, equipment for experiments and the development of educational resources. And testing itself is hardly cheap at around $200-450 (£130-300) per toy tested.

When Lilly started the Dildology.org fundraising blog carnival, I knew I had to help out, hence this post. I’m already sold on how awesome Dildology.org is and, more crucially, how important and necessary it is for the safety of all sex toy users. I’m going to go donate, and get my friends to too, right after I post this, so I don’t need convincing. But maybe you do, so here’s some…

FOR REVIEWERS: The original sex toy tested by the Dildologists, the Jimmyjane Hello Touch, actually failed the common reviewer method of testing whether a toy is silicone or not: the flame test. But the lab results prove that the Hello Touch is indeed silicone. I don’t know about you, but I’m not keen on a world in which even us reviewers, the people who are supposed to know about sex toys, can’t actually test for sure if something is silicone or not. The flame test has failed us, we need something new. We need the Dildologists.

FOR CONSUMERS: We use sex toys for a reason: to improve our sex lives and to have a lot of, hopefully orgasmic, pleasure. We can’t improve our sexual happiness with dodgy materials, dangerous chemicals and absolutely no say over what goes into our own bodies. You really can’t tell me you don’t care what goes in there. At the very least we need to become informed consumers armed with the right to choose. And right now we just can’t have that. We need the Dildologists.

Dildologist T-shirtFOR EVERYONE: Dildology.org are looking to raise $1,500 throughout this blog carnival, and they’re willing to offer juicy incentives to donors. US and Canadian donations of $15+ will receive a 15% off code for SheVibe, UK and European donations of $15+ (£10+) will receive a code for 10% off Lovehoney brand products and Australian donations of $15+ will receive a code for 10% off storewide at MissX. Plus, at $50 (plus $15 for international shipping), you get this awesome t-shirt.

Tantus Curve DildoodleFROM ME: If you donate $30 (£20) or more to Dildology.org, you can get a free sex toy drawing called a Dildoodle (see right for an example) signed and hand-drawn by me for you of the sex toy of your choice (subject to me freaking out that I can’t draw that).

Send me an email after you donate and, once I confirm your donation, I’ll get chatting with you about what toy you want me to draw and send to you. It’s not much, I know, but I want to add a personal thank you.

So, please donate what you can, check out the rest of the great posts in the Dildology.org Blog Carnival Fundraiser and spread the word to everyone you can about this amazing cause. For safety, for science, for sex toys. ♦

Donate for Dildology

“Objectification” by Blacksilk

So, if you’ve read my latest blog post, the first one ever written by my beautiful partner Crush (and if you haven’t, do, this will make slightly more sense), you’ll have realised that I found myself entering a singularly unusual sexy situation just the other evening. I came home and up the stairs to Crush’s room, opening the door to a strange, but undoubtedly erotic, sight. Sprawled on the bed was Crush, strapped by his ankles and wrists to the under-the-bed restraints, wearing his sexy green shirt open to reveal his chest. He was wearing his jeans, but they were pushed down to his knees. He was bare from his knees right up to his neck.

But I didn’t get to see everything. Oh, no. His head was covered by what turned out to be a cider box, it’s side covered in white paper on which was drawn a head with a question mark for a face. Covering his cock was a homemade cardboard “Censored” bar that obscured what I assumed was his erection. A new vase of flowers stood on the chest of drawers and four red ones had been plucked from it and draped across his legs artfully. The computer screen showed a fantastic, and sarcastic, mini-essay about gender and objectification. Crush’s words explain this whole set-up best.

Nonetheless, a picture does speak a thousand words…

Objectified Crush

I was… well, flabbergasted. I’m not often lost for words of any kind. This left me speechless in surprise, shock… I was assailed by both the fact that Crush had planned something elaborate and thoughtful for me but also by the absolute absurdity and weirdness of the situation. I flailed helplessly for a moment before Crush drew my attention to my camera sat on his desk. I knew I had to take advantage of the situation. I stripped off my clothes and spent a few minutes restraining myself from touching him, taking photos of his beautiful body and his strange… art installation? I knew that once we really got started, none of this would go back the way it was.

Putting the camera down, I removed the flowers from Crush’s legs and put all but one of them back in the vase. I sat down next to him on the bed, naked, and began to run the petals of the flower head over his exposed skin. I trailed the flower over his chest, his arms, his thighs, then excruciatingly slowly up the length of his cock from base to tip. He sighed and I took to varying the sensations over his body: the edge of the petals, the face of the flower, the tip of the stalk. Each of them trailed over his flesh and teased his nerve endings. He couldn’t see except for a crack at the base of his head-box, which helped magnify the strange sensations.

I was peppering my exploration of his body with frequent spluttering cries of “You are actually mad, you know that?”, “I love you!” and “What on Earth possessed you?”. He explained a bit more of his thinking behind it all and mentioned in passing that the particular feminist he’d been reading had said something along the lines of that it was possible for women to objectify men but that it meant that they were basically really men and vice versa. My gender-bending kink pricked its ears up at this point.

“So, that means I’m a guy….” I said.

I know that genderfuck doesn’t really do it for Crush and that he still finds the whole idea a bit out of his comfort zone, but I was pleased to hear him reply so positively. Then he said a word that sent an honest-to-God jolt through my pussy and up into my brain.

“Master,” he called me.

I couldn’t even tell you why that did it for me or why that thought still does it for me. It’s something I feel rather than think. I like to analyse my kinks, of course, because it’s interesting; I’m just not very good at it.

Nonetheless, the word “Master” coursed through my body in a way it never has when I’ve said it in submission to a man. It was true arousal, devoid of thought, a direct line to my body. I grinned and he said it again. The rest of the evening, in fact, was spattered with it.

I removed his homemade “Censored” bar and took him in my mouth. I might have been nominally in control, Crush might have been wanting me to take the lead, but I still wanted to give him pleasure. That and the fact that he’d done this all for me, the fact that chemistry was powering my mostly-a-sub body more than intellect or emotion, meant that I was finding it hard to be anything other than pliant and grateful. But I love to suck him. His cock tastes beautiful, feels wonderful in my mouth and smells so good to me. His come, I’ll be honest, I can take or leave. But his cock…

Not too long in, I had a better idea. Sucking Crush’s cock was fun, but I wanted to tease and torture him at the same time. I straddled his chest facing his feet, took my beloved Tango vibrator from the bedside and placed it, buzzing, between my pussy lips. It nestled helpfully between my body and his, pinned by his taut chest and my folds, as I leant forward to suck him again.

It wasn’t the easiest of positions, let me tell you. I was awkwardly placed to keep hold of his cock as I needed my hands to prop my body up on all fours. When I shifted position, the Tango would sometimes move about and once made a beeline up Crush’s chest to rumble by his collarbone. But it was worth it when I moaned hard around his cock and came, shuddering, on top of him, my pussy mere inches from his obscured face.

I wanted him inside me and he readily agreed. He suggested I stay facing his feet and give reverse cowgirl a go, something we’ve never tried before. Again, it turned out not to be the easiest task, but to be worth it. I falteringly guided him inside me as I straddled him around the hips and called him my bitch. My slut. He called me his Master.

Objectification Head Box

He could still peek out of the bottom of his box and I wondered briefly what the view, if really any, was like for him. It was a much more awkward position for me and for the ease of thrusting/riding than the usual girl-on-top, but the novelty (and the vibrator I held to my clit) made up for that. Adventure, after all, is exciting. Trying something new together, whether a resounding success or just a new sensation, is a wonderful experience. Whilst it’s not a position we’ll go back to regularly, the discovery was wonderful.

I dismounted and turned to face him, adding some lube to his cock for an effortless re-entry. This time, I’d go for “normal” cowgirl. It was just too hard to let go and come when I was in the other, more awkward, position. When it suited me, I pulled the cardboard box from his head, leaving him blinking up at me in the bright light of the bedroom. I know he loves to see me anew after being deprived. He started to up the frequency of his dirty comments to me and I lapped them up, asking for more, more, more. I bounced on his cock and he thrust up into me, making himself mine with every one of his utterances, giving himself to me with his body. Before long I was asking from one phrase and one phrase only, on repeat, as I climbed towards my summit.

“Please come, Master.”

He begged, he pleaded with those words. I shook, the Tango still at my clit, the sweat coating my skin, my knees weak with exertion. And I came. I came perhaps as hard as I’ve ever come. I talk big sometimes with metaphors and similes and rhetoric, I write my orgasms as storms and bullies and destruction. This was cataclysm. When it finished, I could barely speak, barely move, barely think. My body could support myself no longer and I let myself tumble sideways from Crush’s body. I fumbled, dumb, a zombie, at his nearest wrist strap, releasing him from his bonds and told him to fuck me again. I demanded that he take me as I recovered on my back.

And he did. His cock slid inside my honestly quite battered pussy, my pleasure-weakened body. This fuck was for him. His time to come. I told him as much and he certainly didn’t hold back. His Master spoke firmly to her little slut, goading him, urging him on until he too came hard, gasping, panting.

He collapsed onto me and we athletes rested our tired, hot, sticky bodies in each others’ arms. And I’ll tell you something: as they say “I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like.”

And Crush’s exhibition was certainly a resounding, earth-shattering, love-tempering success. ♦

Review – Icicles No. 8 Glass Dildo

Icicles No. 8 glass dildo

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Icicles No. 8 by Adult Sensations in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Icicles No. 8 is a glass dildo in the Icicles line by Pipedream, which is sold by Adult Sensations. It is a beautiful but slim toy designed to be used both vaginally and anally.

Icicles No. 8 PackagingThe packaging of the Icicles No. 8 looks very high-end: a matte box with images of the toy and a decent amount of info on the back. A small ribbon opens a magneted front to reveal a glimpse of the dildo inside. Within, the toy is in a foam cut-out. It’s lovely, but the big let-down for me is that the toy comes with no storage bag, which is very important for glass.

NEW TO GLASS?

Glass toy novices may be worried about putting what is often viewed as a fragile material into a delicate area, but don’t worry. The borosilicate glass used in sex toys is very strong; it won’t break inside you (you’re just not that strong) and it doesn’t shatter easily when dropped.

They’re very safe in other ways too. Glass is a non-porous material that can be easily sterilised by boiling or using 10% bleach solution. This means it can be shared both between partners and between orifices, so long as its sterilised in between. It’s also hypo-allergenic and body-safe, which is really important.

Lastly, glass is fantastic in that it can be carefully cooled or heated for a different sensation in/on your body. I normally use the fridge to cool the toy down and hot water for heat. Do take care, though, and take care in thrusting with such a rigid material too.

THE ICICLES NO. 8

 Icicles No. 8 SizeThe Icicles No. 8 is a lightweight glass toy with a decent length but a very slim girth. It’s certainly one that is more suited for those who like smaller toys and is not really for size queens. It is 7″ long with about 5.5″ insertable, which is a good length that can hit deep if wanted. The large end bulb is 1.5″ diameter and the three smaller bulbs are 1.1″, 1″ and 0.9″. The smallest part of the toy is the neck between the two smallest bulbs at 0.7″.

Although the rigidity and waviness do help bulk the Icicles No. 8 up, and it was a great size for me as an anal novice, it was too slim for maximum vaginal pleasure. Due to the slim tip, it was very easy to insert for both, though vaginal insertion of the big bulb end may be more tricky for some. And, yes, the toy is double-ended, at least vaginally it is.

Anal-wise, I believe the big bulb has enough of a sudden size-shift to count as a flared base for most people, but you may want to disagree with me on that. Personally, when I used the Icicles No. 8 anally, I couldn’t even get it past the third small bulb for some reason. I pushed it in and found the tip bumping up on my insides somewhere and refusing to go any further.

I’m assuming that the rigidity and/or straightness of the toy didn’t gel so well with the wibbliness of my back passage, but I’m not certain. So, for me, there was no chance of losing this toy anally.

The wavy bulbs felt great in my ass, but I would say they were perhaps a bit too subtle to be really great. The slimness of the toy proved perfect, though, and I had no trouble with a toy of this size. That said, I tended to just move the Icicles No. 8 backwards and forwards, passing the second bulb into and out of my anus, sometimes removing the toy entirely, which felt very nice.

Vaginally, the toy can be used with either end as losing it is not an issue. The end with the small bulbs is more for the pleasure of the wavy shape and for generic thrusting, but it is a little on the thin side for my liking, although the bulbs do feel very nice going back and forth. If you want something bigger and, honestly, more interesting, the big-bulbed end does fairly well as a G-spot stimulator. It’s not perfect, because it’s a bit too straight, but the rigidity is great and it just makes this end of the toy by far the best. I like to work it back and forth in small movements over my G-spot.

Really, though, with the gradual change between neck and bulb, the shape of the Icicles No. 8 is more undulations or waves than bumps or bulbs. It feels very smooth, which is useful for insertion and easy thrusting, but in general it’s just not stimulating enough. The lack of girth doesn’t help.

Icicles No. 8 Aesthetics

Aesthetically, the Icicles No. 8 really shines, excuse the pun. It’s a beautiful dildo that has a very different look to it, what with the dual effect of the delicate blue inner spiral and the iridescent sheen to the clear glass. It looks like a blown bubble mixed with a child’s marble and I just can’t capture it adequately on camera. It’s one of the more interesting and gorgeous glass dildos I’ve seen and it’s the light rainbow effect to the surface that really does it.

CONCLUSION

The Icicles No. 8 by Pipedream, like the Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel by NS Novelties, is yet another gorgeous glass dildo with marvellous aesthetics that’s not quite as large as it could do with being, probably because it’s trying to work two jobs as both a vaginal and an anal dildo. The Icicles No. 8, however, is just a bit too boring and gentle in terms of shape to pull off really pleasurable sensations at a small size. Anally, it was comfortable and very interesting, although I still felt the wavy bulbs could be more exciting. Vaginally, the small end was decent, but not thrilling and the big end was much closer to thrilling but still not quite there.

If you’re a fan of small toys, though, and you don’t need a lot of texture, I think you’ll really like this one. It’s versatile, body-safe, non-porous, temperature-variable, slim, gentle and lovely to look at. It just doesn’t quite do it for me. But if you think the Icicles No. 8 is for you, why not get one from Adult Sensations? ♦

Why not read some more of my sex toy reviews?

Review – Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel

Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel dildo

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel by SexToysUK in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel is a glass kegel exerciser and dildo made by NS Novelties and sold by SexToysUK. I’ll admit that I was after this toy purely for the purpose of using it as a gorgeous glass dildo rather than for its purported kegel-improving qualities, so I’ll only be reviewing it as a sex toy rather than a sex aid. I feel that I’d be much more keen to use ben wa balls for kegel exercise than I would a more bulky, less convenient, less discreet object like this one.

The Crystal Glass Kegel is a toy which comes in several sizes and colours (SexToysUK carries mine, the pink small, the grey large and the purple large), though mine is the small version in a lovely bottle green.

Crystal Glass Kegel Packaging

The packaging is a matte white box with side windows and some basic info on the toy. Inside the Crystal Glass Kegel sits largely unprotected except for two foam shapes which hold either end. The toy comes with no instructions on how to use it for kegel use (insert the 3-bulbed end while upright and clench your kegels to keep it in place) even if you wanted to and, a sin for glass toys, doesn’t come with any storage bag either.

NEW TO GLASS?

Those new to glass toys are often worried about putting what is normally seen as a delicate material into a delicate area, but don’t worry. The borosilicate glass used in sex toys is very strong stuff;  it won’t break inside you, you’re just not that strong. They’re also strong when dropped, though do try not to chuck your nice toys about anyway.

Glass toys, like the Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel, are not only quite shatter-safe, but they’re very safe in other ways too. Glass is a non-porous material that can be very easily sterilised by boiling it or using 10% bleach solution, which means that it can be shared both between partners and between vagina and anus, so long as its sterilised in between. It’s also hypo-allergenic and body-safe, which is really important, even if you don’t suffer from particular reactions.

Lastly, glass is awesome in that it can be carefully heated or cooled for a different sensation in/on your body. I normally use the fridge to cool the toy down and hot water for heat. Do take care though.

THE CRYSTAL SMALL PREMIUM GLASS KEGEL

Crystal Glass Kegel SizeThe Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel is a double-ended toy comprised of a 7.5″ straight shaft with different sizes of glass bulb. One end is largely smooth and tapering (0.5″ diameter at its narrowest) with a bulb at one end that is just under an inch in diameter.

The other, more interesting, end is also straight but comes with three bulbs that increase in size from the tip to the mid-point of the shaft. The first bulb is tapered like a teardrop and is about 0.85″ around, the second bulb is just over an inch and the third and largest is 1.25″ in diameter. It’s also quite lightweight.

The thing that strikes me most about the shape of the Crystal Glass Kegel, other than its potential for pleasure, is that despite the SexToysUK product page saying it “can also be used as a dildo for anal or vaginal stimulation”, I really don’t think it’s anal-safe at all. The bulbs flow quite smoothly into each other and I just don’t think there’s enough of an obvious flare anywhere to keep this dildo from accidentally disappearing into your anus. Which would be severely awkward (oh, and dangerous). Please use your discretion, but perhaps keep this thing away from “the butt”.

The Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel is a beautiful toy to behold. The shape reminds me of a honey-dipper and the three-tiered effect looks great. But what’s by far the best thing about this toy’s aesthetics is the colour. It is an absolutely gorgeous, smooth, clear bottle green which shows up beautifully in the light.

Crystal Glass Kegel Three-Bulbed EndThe two ends of the dildo feel very different, which makes the toy quite versatile. Despite that, I’d say that using the single-bulbed end as a handle and inserting the three-bulb end is probably the more obvious and enjoyable use for this toy. The single bulb makes a good handle as long it doesn’t get too slippery and the three bulbs feel fantastic inside me.

The Crystal Glass Kegel works equally well either pulling the bulbs in and out all the way for the slight popping sensation of the insertion or working the toy back and forth gently with all the bulges inside to better appreciate the “texture” of the shape. The taper of the first bulbs means it’s very easy to insert and the combination of bulbs feels amazing. The largest bulb really pulls on my vaginal wall in a lovely way and even seems to offer some amount of G-spot stimulation (but, since it’s so straight, it’s not going to work for everyone by any means).

Crystal Glass Kegel Single-Bulbed EndThe single-bulbed end is a less exciting experience than the triple-bulbed end, but does still have its place. The relatively straightforward shaft and lonely bulb mean that the shape and feeling are less stimulating, but the thinner shaft and absence of bumpiness may suit some people better. Personally, I found this end a bit boring, but one thing I did enjoy was really angling the Crystal Glass Kegel up to rub the small bulb against my G-spot. This felt great, but wasn’t ideal: the straight shaft means you really have to work at it and it ended up hurting my thumbs, plus the bulb is just a bit too small to be really amazing as a G-spot stimulator.

CONCLUSION

The Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel by NS Novelties is a beautiful glass dildo and while I can’t attest to its qualities as a kegel exerciser nor could I recommend its use as an anal toy, I do actually really like this toy for vaginal use. I find myself wondering whether I might actually like the large version of it better (although that doesn’t come in gorgeous green), but the small version really is very pleasurable for its size despite that. Besides, harder materials always feel bigger than softer ones of the same size.

It’s double-ended, giving you variety, and the three-bulbed end particularly feels very good when thrusting and penetrating. Plus, being glass, it’s body-safe, non-porous, temperature-variable and very easy to clean. It should come with a storage bag, though. Bitches love storage bags. So, if you’re after the gorgeous Crystal Small Premium Glass Kegel, get one now from SexToysUK! ♦

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