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Tools of the Trade

♦ Today, Crush and I had a lot of fun. I’m not going to go into a lot of details, I think I might leave those to your imagination. But what I will show you this Sinful Sunday are the tools of the trade I used to inflict such deliciousness on both him and myself. The black handcuffs (very similar to these) were there to restrain him, the key to set him free. The ceramic dildo, the Lovemoiselle Aveline which you can see covered in my slickness here, was used on myself to great effect. It’s such a fantastic dildo and I’m always impressed at the sheer speed with which it gets me off. I teased Crush by using it on myself while all he could do was lie there tied up and pawing at my nipples.

Tools of the Trade: handcuffs and ceramic dildo

I used the Tantus C-ring cock ring (in gorgeous cherry) over his cock, more to pull him about than to really keep him hard and begging as he was already very good at both of those. The Leather Delights soft ballgag was placed gently in his mouth under my full-face hood (not shown), which was used with a blindfold to keep Crush in the dark while I tormented him. As for my very favourite vibrator, the We-Vibe Tango, well, Crush again got to hear me moan and come, both with and without his hungry, lustful input.

Tools of the Trade: ball gag, vibrator and cock ring

I also used various other, not-pictured sensation tools such as a feather stick, a strip of vintage fur, my seven-pinwheel Wartenberg wheel, the edge of a credit card to give him various sensations all over his filthy, sexy body while he was at my mercy. Not only that, but I even managed to give my new Tantus Cush a trial-run to kickstart my testing of it for an upcoming review, so the session was practical as well as just absolutely orgasmically erotic.

I teased him, tortured him, told him what to do, denied him my body, made him beg, made him plead, made him fuck me until I was done. I ordered him around and we both loved it. The tools of the trade pictured here were all immensely helpful in achieving what I wanted, but I think that what really made it all work is that deep inside this sub, there is a dom waiting to get out. And deep inside Crush’s dom heart there is a sub who likes, if not pain and punishment like I do, then being told what to do and not always getting what he wants. The tools of the trade give me, well, the tools, but it’s me that has the power, not my equipment.

What are your favourite tools of the trade? Which do you love most to use on someone or have used on you? Would you feel complete without them? ♦

Sinful Sunday

Review – Jimmyjane Hello Touch

Jimmyjane Hello Touch fingertip vibrator

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Jimmyjane Hello Touch by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest opinion. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Jimmyjane Hello Touch, sold by Lovehoney, is the latest “hot new thing” from sex toy hipsters and bouncy-castle-mongers Jimmyjane. Now, you’ll notice that’s a fairly loaded sentence, so I’ll be honest with you: I asked to test the Hello Touch half because I considered that it might have genuine potential and half because I really hoped that it didn’t.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t. It’s awful, but I suggest you read the rest of this review to find out why, just in case you and I disagree. And because it should be funny.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Packaging

So, the Hello Touch is a fingertip vibrator comprised of a slim control box, which rests in a stretchy grey wristband, and two vibrating silicone fingerpads attached by a Y-shaped wire to said control box. It comes in a matte box which looks like it was designed by Apple, but still has quite a lot of information on it, even if some of it is lies (“intuitive interface”, “powerful”). There is supposedly more information in the manual, but I found it a bit sparse as it was solely pictorial.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Manual instructionsThe two of us followed the instructions in the manual to insert the batteries for the first time and we were completely lost. It took us about five minutes to actually manage it and neither of us are exactly stupid.

It probably didn’t help that the Hello Touch runs on AAAAs. Yes, quadruple. What even are those? I’d never heard of them. At least they’re included, because they’re hard to find and not cheap.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch ContentsThe plastic insert in the box that holds both the manuals and the toy is a bit naff, and I wouldn’t use it for storage. Luckily, the Hello Touch comes with a black fabric case for the toy and that would be quite nice if it had another popper to actually keep it closed. As it is, it’s just lopsided and silly and not as secure as I’d like.

It doesn’t need to really be secure, though, because even if you leave the batteries in the Hello Touch, one thing that’s really not going to happen is it turning on by itself. This is because it’s hard enough to actually get it to do that when you’re trying. The buttons on the controller are very unresponsive, leaving me to often have to remove the controller from my wrist to use it. This is not helped by the fact that for some unfathomably stupid reason (likely aesthetics) the buttons aren’t labelled. So without instinctively remembering which is which, you’re not even sure you’re hammering on the right one. I constantly forget which is which.

Hello Touch ControllerTo make it even more frustrating and poorly designed, there are THREE circles printed onto the grey wristband, but only TWO actual buttons on the controller. That middle “button” is just a useless circle that does nothing other than toy with you.

So, in Jimmyjane’s dream, sometimes a circle means a button and at other times it means bugger all. Because that’s an “intuitive interface”.

“Why are there only two buttons anyway?” You may ask. Because this £45 vibrator has only one speed. ONLY ONE SPEED. That’d be awful for that much money even if that speed wasn’t pathetically weak and buzzy, which it is. The problem is that what vibration there is is significantly dampened by the simple act of actually wearing the fingerpads and touching something. I’m not even sure if I care that the Hello Touch is on. The first time I tried it, I got to my orgasm eventually, but I had to give in and warm up with something better first. On subsequent occasions, I’ve just got bored before I come. I like a bit of power, but I’m not actually all that hard to make come and I certainly don’t often get too bored to orgasm.

As I say, the wearing of the fingerpads suppresses the vibration and actually makes my fingers vibrate more than my clit. If you hate vibrations on your fingers, you’ll hate this. Crush (who hates vibration of all kinds) reckons he could just about stand it if he HAD to and it felt weird even to me. You definitely can’t do Jimmyjane’s suggestion of wearing the Hello Touch on the back of your fingers and turning your fingers into vibrators, as that makes the vibrations even weaker. My clitoris just can’t feel it and the rest of me just doesn’t care. Plus, the silicone straps of the fingerpads get in the way of that idea.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Fingertips

At first, it seems nice to have the vibrations of the Hello Touch follow your fingers (and if the concept worked well, I think I’d really like it) until you realise it doesn’t live up to the concept. You spend most of your time readjusting the pads when they fall half-off your fingertips or they start not sitting right. I found I really wanted my fingertip vibrator to actually sit on the tips of my fingers as much as possible, as opposed to halfway down the pad of the finger. It’s just so unergonomic and the pads are so bulky. I didn’t have space for both pads on my clitoris, especially not if I wanted to move them, and it was very awkward.

To make matters worse, the pad I was using then fell half-off as I came. Which is just not what you want.

Jimmyjane also states that “HELLO TOUCH is the smallest fingertip vibrator available, and the only one optimized for both internal and clitoral stimulation”, but when I tried internal G-spot stimulation, I found the device itself got right in my way. And then one of the pads came off my finger whilst inside me and I had to pull it out like a tampon. Ugh. That is certainly the mental image I want to associate with my orgasm. My juices got all over the pads and pad-straps, including in between the vibrating pod and its holder itself, making it a bitch to clean.

If you think Jimmyjane recommending G-spot use and the pads falling off is bad, check this out: Jimmyjane specifically suggests you put these things up your arse.

Hello Touch Pad RemovedYes, really. They think you can, and should, try anal with these things. That’s just not safe.

That little silicone finger pad that holds the vibrating pod is not actually attached to anything at all. It could easily come off inside your rectum, especially with the obvious addition of lube and rubbing.

You could lose those inside your ass, especially when you consider that the whole thing came off my finger easily in my vagina and all I had were the wires to pull it out. In the arse, one pull like that could lose the silicone finger-straps. Please don’t try this and shame on Jimmyjane for suggesting it.

So, it’s weak and the fingerpads are too bulky for tight spots, come off too easily and are not exactly fun to wear, but at least the wristband itself is OK. It’s about the only part of the Hello Touch that’s comfortable and it’s fairly generously sized without being too baggy. It fits me easily and comfortably, and I’m quite overweight, but it’s not too loose on Crush’s skinnier wrists either. I also quite like the futuristic grey, although that aesthetic is largely ruined by the ugly stitching.

Wearing the Hello Touch

CONCLUSION

The Jimmyjane Hello Touch is a seriously bad toy and an expensive puff of nothing. Its “intuitive interface” is not only unresponsive but also very poorly designed, its “ultra-compact” fingerpads are not comfy, ergonomic or easy to use and keep where you want them. Not only that, the Hello Touch might work OK for gentle caressing and touch, if you like things really gentle (and a bit androidy), but it sure as hell doesn’t work for use on or in the female genitals. I couldn’t try it on Crush, because he hates vibration, but I can’t imagine the finger pads would stay on well during a hand job. And God forbid you put it up your butt.

All that I could forgive if it at least felt good. But it’s buzzy and weak and I cannot believe that the Hello Touch experience was essentially so tedious and pathetic that I got bored of wanking. It’s touted as powerful, but I can tense my arm until my fingers shake and I’m pretty certain I’m a more powerful vibrator than the Hello Touch. ♦

Dildology: Love Dildos? Donate!

♦ Regular readers of this blog or followers of my Twitter no doubt know I’m what some people could call a Sex Toy Snob. Sure, I get picky about limited colour choices and the gendering of fuck objects and the weakness of certain shitty vibrators, but there’s one area where I just don’t think the label Sex Toy Snob applies, because it’s just what everyone should be worried about.

The safety of your sex toys.

See, many of them just aren’t safe. You’ll have heard me talk before about my own bad experiences with dodgy jelly toys, how they went icky and gave me chemical burns, and you may have even read my 10 Reasons To Avoid Jelly Sex Toys. It’s easy then, isn’t it? Just avoid jelly! Sadly, that’s not the case. Horrible chemicals like phthalates aren’t just limited to jelly, they’re found in all sorts of porous sex toy materials, not to mention the fact that porous materials are impossible to truly clean. Well, surely just avoid those, then?

But it isn’t that easy. Unfortunately, sex toys aren’t regulated and there is no way you can know what on Earth a material with a fancy name like Crystalessence or Sil-a-gel is (unless you do some snooping) or even that a toy that says it’s phthalates-free or made of silicone is either of those things.

Until now.

Dildology Logo

Dildology.org is a not-for-profit organisation and awesomeness-machine run by Crista Anne, Dangerous Lilly and Val Orenda with the purpose of raising the money to scientifically test sex toys in a proper laboratory to discover once and for all what’s really in them and if they’re actually safe for us. Their mission statement reads:

The sex toy industry is on the rise, yet it remains largely unregulated. Dildology.org intends to provide material verification services and maintain a public database of the results, adding transparency and oversight to the industry while educating the public about the science behind pleasure products. We stand on our own, unaffiliated and uninfluenced, and we are dedicated to protecting the health and well-being of the dildo-loving population at large through education (and maybe a little entertainment).

As an unbiased, unaffiliated, non-profit organisation, Dildology.org can’t take on any advertising in order to raise money, so they are asking for your kind donations. The majority of donations will go towards product testing and the rest will be used for fundraising incentives, equipment for experiments and the development of educational resources. And testing itself is hardly cheap at around $200-450 (£130-300) per toy tested.

When Lilly started the Dildology.org fundraising blog carnival, I knew I had to help out, hence this post. I’m already sold on how awesome Dildology.org is and, more crucially, how important and necessary it is for the safety of all sex toy users. I’m going to go donate, and get my friends to too, right after I post this, so I don’t need convincing. But maybe you do, so here’s some…

FOR REVIEWERS: The original sex toy tested by the Dildologists, the Jimmyjane Hello Touch, actually failed the common reviewer method of testing whether a toy is silicone or not: the flame test. But the lab results prove that the Hello Touch is indeed silicone. I don’t know about you, but I’m not keen on a world in which even us reviewers, the people who are supposed to know about sex toys, can’t actually test for sure if something is silicone or not. The flame test has failed us, we need something new. We need the Dildologists.

FOR CONSUMERS: We use sex toys for a reason: to improve our sex lives and to have a lot of, hopefully orgasmic, pleasure. We can’t improve our sexual happiness with dodgy materials, dangerous chemicals and absolutely no say over what goes into our own bodies. You really can’t tell me you don’t care what goes in there. At the very least we need to become informed consumers armed with the right to choose. And right now we just can’t have that. We need the Dildologists.

Dildologist T-shirtFOR EVERYONE: Dildology.org are looking to raise $1,500 throughout this blog carnival, and they’re willing to offer juicy incentives to donors. US and Canadian donations of $15+ will receive a 15% off code for SheVibe, UK and European donations of $15+ (£10+) will receive a code for 10% off Lovehoney brand products and Australian donations of $15+ will receive a code for 10% off storewide at MissX. Plus, at $50 (plus $15 for international shipping), you get this awesome t-shirt.

Tantus Curve DildoodleFROM ME: If you donate $30 (£20) or more to Dildology.org, you can get a free sex toy drawing called a Dildoodle (see right for an example) signed and hand-drawn by me for you of the sex toy of your choice (subject to me freaking out that I can’t draw that).

Send me an email after you donate and, once I confirm your donation, I’ll get chatting with you about what toy you want me to draw and send to you. It’s not much, I know, but I want to add a personal thank you.

So, please donate what you can, check out the rest of the great posts in the Dildology.org Blog Carnival Fundraiser and spread the word to everyone you can about this amazing cause. For safety, for science, for sex toys. ♦

Donate for Dildology

Acting on Instructions

Red is a vixen, Red is a flirt
Red told me to go to him and rip off his shirt
Red is a siren, Red is a tease
Red told me to take him and bring him to his knees

♦ He was playing D&D and I was in my bedroom somewhat bored. I say bored, “bored” was really more of an excuse to message her out of the blue and chat. OK, flirt, fine. “Go distract him”, Red told me, “show him your boobs.”1

“He’s playing via webcam,” I pointed out. “So, not a good idea.”

“Stand off-camera and strip,” She said.

It wasn’t a bad idea, actually. It’s not like I need to be encouraged to flash my rack at Crush. So I prowled into his room, whispered a few choice naughtinesses into his ear, stood to one side and pulled up my top. A toothy grin appeared on his face before I dashed back to my computer.

When his game had finished, he came in to see me. His attitude was instantly flirtatious, sexually-charged. Had I done all that with one flash of my goods? Hmm, looks like he’d been talking to Red too. I bet she’d nudged him towards being worked up, just like she’d nudged me.

“Just give me a minute to finish here,” I said, tapping a few bits of a review out.

When I went in, I found him sprawled on the bed. Instead of his usual supremely-lazy attire, he was in the sexy, sexy jeans and green-striped shirt I’d bought him. For a man surgically-attached to his trackie bottoms, that there was bedroom-wear. And he was fucking rocking it, sly smile and all.

As we watched each other, I stripped, making sure to take extra care on the breast-reveal that I know is his favourite part.

Just as my bra hit the floor, my phone buzzed up a message. Red.

“Has he bent to your will yet?”

I looked over to him. His pose was… not quite submissive, but certainly passive. He lay waiting for me to leap on him. Given he’d spent the last few days punishing me for any imagined transgression, I’d say I might be in control here. And he’d dressed up just for me…

“Oh, I think so…” I replied quickly, knowing he probably got a buzz off us talking about him. “Best be off.”

Naked, I crawled onto the bed from his feet, up over his legs until I paused and perched just at his thighs. He looked amazingly sexy. A shirt always says “rip me off” and his eyes shone. The bulge in his jeans was particularly unsubtle. I loved that.

I spent some time just admiring him and exchanging flirtatious talk before I pulled his upper body towards my chest. His mouth lunged at my nipples eagerly and I pushed his head from breast to breast, rubbing his face into me. Now and again I’d push him away, down onto the bed, and then pull him back up by his shirt. I was enjoying my display of dominance over him.

He told me he loved to be pushed about from nipple to nipple, to struggle half-blinded by flesh, to have to work hard to find them with his tongue, to not quite get enough. He told me he could do it for hours, but it was only minutes before we decided to add a new element.

Our under-the-bed restraints may not be the classiest piece of kit, but on a bed with no headboard, it certainly comes in handy to have them always there ready. I secured his arms. The problem before was that he could just lean forward and plant his lips on my nipples at any time unless I held him down. Now I moved backwards, lengthening the distance.

Soon I could control his access to my nipples with just a slight lean forward or back. He strained at his bonds as I darted in and out, pushing his head from tit to tit when I got close. Just long enough to get my fill of pleasure from his mouth on my skin, just short enough that he still felt restricted.

After a while, I pushed him back down on the bed and swiftly unbuttoned his shirt. I peppered his delicately-sculpted chest with kisses and licks before working my way down to the buttons of his fly.

He’d only done two up, which is good, because they’re a bitch.

So I opened them and pressed my face to the base of his cock as it peeped from above the fabric. I kissed his cock and nuzzled the fly of his jeans further open as I did until he was nearly fully exposed. My fingers did the rest.

I licked and sucked as he moaned in his restraints before hopping back over his hips and pressing myself into him.

He wanted me to fuck him. It was late, but I couldn’t say no. I wanted him. I wanted to take him. I could feel the crispness of his jeans under my thighs, the heat of his cock against my pussy lips, the flutter of his heartbeat through his chest.

I grabbed my faithful Tango bullet and began to lower myself down onto his shaft. Handily, I was already quite wet from our foreplay and from testing a lovely glass dildo not long before, so no lube was required before I felt him full inside me. I pumped up and down on his slickened cock and groaned as he hit deep inside my pussy. His face was turned sideways into the pillows, passion twisting him into curled up shapes and ecstatic forms. He drove his hips upwards in time with my own movements, thrusting hard against gravity and my weight.

It wasn’t long before all I could do was hold on and keep my tight grip on the vibrator at my clit. Now he was doing all the work and I sagged into him, my previous energy drawing in, coalescing in my cunt. My orgasm rose up in me like bubbles in a tar pit, bursting suddenly and sending thick black tendrils of pleasure surging to the tips of me. I came gasping on top of him, my moans causing him to sigh with delight.

The climaxes that followed were soon joined by Crush’s own grunting rapture, his brows knitted in effort and expulsion, his cock twitching. I let him lie there, blissful and exhausted in his restraints for a time as I, too, recovered my breath. Then I loosened his bonds and set him free. ♦

Silk is a harlot, Silk is a whore
Silk told her the day was won and cannot wait for more

  1. Who is Red, you ask? All will be revealed in time. For now, just know she is sexy, dirty and mischievous… []

All’s Fair In Love…

Stronic Eins Nerf Vulcan - Toy With Me Tuesday

…and war.

♦ Oh, look! It’s the Fun Factory Stronic Eins on the base from one of my many, many Nerf guns. Specifically the base of the ridiculous Nerf Vulcan (or, as it’s mostly in this country, the Nerf Havok, for unknown reasons) with the ammo belt around it. That’s my black PVC corset forming a backdrop, with my steampunk goggles and dust mask adding some much-needed Industrial eyecandy. I upped the film-grain effect (click to embiggen for full glory) on this one too. I was going, as in some of the photos from the review, for a gritty, Rammstein-esque, machine-oil-and-bullet-casings sort of look. I hope that came across.

Sadly, I didn’t really get on with the Stronic Eins as a toy, myself. But I do still love its German styling and the almost mythic status it seems to have gained as a powerful toy. I think it’s a toy that really suited the gun emplacement theme of this picture, whether it makes me come like a train or not. I’ll likely still try to get rid of mine in a swap/sale or somesuch though. ♦

Toy with me Tuesday

Review – Fun Factory Stronic Eins

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Fun Factory Stronic Eins by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Stronic Eins, made by German manufacturer of exciting and colourful sex objects Fun Factory and sold by Lovehoney, is a toy whose very name (to me, at least) conjures images of lasers, tanks, spaceships and German industrial metal. If you’re calling it the Stronic One, you’re doing it a disservice. Because Stronic Eins sounds awesome.

The charger for the Stronic Eins is sold separately, which is a bit of a pain, but it works with all Fun Factory toys, so you’ll only ever need that one charger, which is both a boon for the environment and the local supply of cable tidies.

It charges, incidentally, for two to three hours for about two hours of play and does so via a little magnetic port on the base. If you’re used to the magnetic charger on the We-Vibe Tango or Salsa, don’t fret, this is much stronger and more likely to stay in place than that. Plus, it makes the Stronic waterproof, which is ace.

Stronic ButtonsThe Stronic Eins is very simple to use. The big, red FUN button turns the toy on and off and you use + and – to cycle through the various modes.

Since it won’t turn on unless you press the FUN button for about a second or so, it effectively comes with a travel lock feature. It also turns off instantly when the FUN button is pressed, making it handy in terms of discretion.

The Stronic Eins is made from body-safe silicone with an unusually matte surface. It really picks up dust, but not dirt and hair so much, and it’s very hard to keep clean because of that. It feels a lot like a rubber (or eraser, if you’re from “forn parts”, as Nanny Ogg would say) and so doesn’t feel that nice to stroke. Some may be put off by the micro-texture, but I couldn’t feel it during use. The handle is made from ABS plastic.

The toy is 9″ long, with 5″ insertable. Diameter-wise, it is 1.3″ at the tip, 1.6″ on the bulk of the shaft and then 1.8″ on the so-called “clitoral stimulator”, which is the effective base of the insertable section. The first inch and a half of the shaft from the tip is pure silicone, then the rest is silicone over a hard shell. This makes the tip of the toy very flexible and pretty squishable.

The shape of the Stronic Eins is, I feel, the mark of a toy that wants to please all of the people all of the time. The handle is ergonomic, which I can’t fault, with a slight downward curve towards the end to fit the grip (and the slightly matte plastic helps here). But it’s the shaft that confuses me.

The shape of the Fun Factory Stronic Eins Pulsator

Let’s get it out of the way: this thing is not going to stimulate your clitoris, whether you call the extra inch or so of silicone at the bottom of the insertable portion a “clitoral stimulator” or not. Like Epiphora says, everyone knows the truth. On the plus side, because it goes nowhere near my clitoris, it doesn’t get in the way of my ever more obsessive Tango usage either.

Furthermore, it’s a toy focused on pulsating and yet I’ve seen several places point out that it “curves slightly at the tip so it’s perfectly poised to stimulate your G-spot”. And it does curve at the tip, but it’s so very shallow that I’m buggered if it so much as brushes my G-spot. And that flexible tip means that it’d be especially useless at G-spot pressure even if it could find mine.

The curves look nice and the bump is harmless, they just don’t do anything. Luckily, I guess that’s not really what you’re buying when you buy the Stronic Eins. What you’re buying is an amazing new technology that makes your “vibrator” a “pulsator”. You’re buying a toy that thrusts: a toy that works because it has a weight mechanism inside it that moves physically back and forth, instead of the usual rotating motor.

(Please forgive the first 30 secs or so of this video, some weird warp filter has accidentally been applied. A fix will be coming when I get back to my PC)

The Fun Factory Stronic Eins comes with ten different modes. When you turn it on, you find yourself on a low constant back and forth, and pressing + will take you to three faster variations of the same thing. Past these are the “dynamic” modes: three different variations of mixed up pattern and speed. If you press – from your start point instead of +, you get the three “algorithmic” modes, which Crush (my resident maths expert) points out means basically nothing in this context. What they are are sort of jerky versions of the constant back and forth, decreasing in speed, with the last mode in this direction being a very determined thud-thud. All of the modes are surprisingly quiet.

When I first switched the Stronic Eins on in my hands, my first impression was: wow. This thing is, no joke, moving my forearm back and forth. You can feel the weight thrusting inside it and it actually looks and feels (in a “steam phallus” sort of way) like it has a life of its own.

When I first used the Stronic Eins, my first impression was: I don’t even. I did not get it, I did not know what to make of it. Perhaps not having the manual (my tester model came alone with no packaging) was a disadvantage here (although having seen most manuals, I doubt it’s that informative), but I just didn’t seem to know how best to use the Stronic to get the most out of it. What depth? What angle? How firm to hold it?

On the second use, I had an epiphany. It felt pretty good.

I find that the Fun Factory Stronic Eins works much better if you hold it fairly loosely and let it do its thing, rather than holding onto it tightly and and being forceful with it, as I often am with my dildos. I normally like force and pressure, so I was trying to shove the thing inside me, but it works a lot more satisfyingly when it can move about as it wants to. It’s a little counter-intuitive at first if you manhandle your toys the way I do, but it works much better. I was elated and thought I’d cracked it.

Sadly, on subsequent uses, I’ve lost that spark again. I’m still holding it loosely, still experimenting with different modes and angles, but it just seems not to amount to much. My enjoyment of the Stronic Eins is mercurial, fleeting. I find that it often feels “quite nice” rather than “[incomprehensible moaning noise]”.

There are modes I prefer: the first mode as you turn it on, the very fast constant mode and the very last “algorithmic” mode, the one that’s the jerky-thud-thud, but it’s a trial to get to orgasm with it. It feels more like something is shaking inside me than thrusting and there isn’t nearly enough depth to its “pulsating”, not enough in and out. I’ve found that it feels very good when I thrust with it as I would with a normal dildo, but it’s a thrusting dildo, I shouldn’t have to do that myself! That’s not the point!

Heck, I’ve even heard one or two sources refer to the Stronic Eins as “life-like” and incredibly close to the “real thing”. It’s just not true. (That’s not to say I need my toys to pretend to be a penis, I’m just making the distinction.) If this is how your lover fucks you, you may want to check they’re not the Judderman. It does not move like a real-life cock or dildo or strap-on, it shudders. It moves like a pneumatic drill, and not in a “bad erotica metaphor” way.

The Stronic Eins in monochrome

CONCLUSION

Beware the Stronic Eins, my dear, when the moon is fat… That is to say, look, it’s made of great material by a great company with great quality and a great interface. The technology is new, the technology is impressive and shiny and I really, really want for it to go on to great things. I’m just not sure that the Stronic Eins itself is a great thing.

There are several reviews out there that love this toy. You might yourself love this toy. But I don’t. Sometimes it feels very good, sometimes it feels completely meh, it always feels interesting and mostly it feels just quite nice. I don’t masturbate for “quite nice”. I just can’t seem to hate the Stronic or really enjoy it either.

I’ll borrow something I said in my review of the Lovehoney Sqweel 2 here: “I want to love it for offering me something truly different from my usual fare, but it’s too unreliable for me.” And that’s what it comes down to. It’s very interesting and I’m glad to have tried it, but if I’d spent all £128.99 of my own money on it, I’d be so upset. If you have money to spare and you’re desperate for a new sensation or you’re really into riding something that shudders like me seeing a jelly toy, buy it now from Lovehoney. Otherwise, you’ll likely want to give this one a miss. ♦

Why not read some more of my sex toy reviews?

Review – LELO Mona 2

LELO Mona 2

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Mona 2 by LELO in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦The Mona 2 is a high-end G-spot vibrator made by luxury toymakers LELO boasting a “perfectly contoured form”. As you may be able to guess from the name, Mona 2 is an upgrade of the original LELO Mona toy. I didn’t get the opportunity to try out the original, so I can’t compare it, but I can certainly review the Mona 2 on its own merits.

LELO Mona 2 PackagingThe outer packaging of the Mona 2 is a slim cardboard box, white on one side showing a pictures of the toy, listing the contents and blurbing the product. The other sides are the colour of your Mona 2 and are minimalist except for one side listing the features in various languages.

Inside this box is a much studier one in thick, matte black cardboard. When you open this you find the Mona 2 nestled in a velvety cut-out. In a compartment at the bottom of the toy are the charger, a sachet of LELO lube, a user booklet, an authenticity card and gorgeous black satin drawstring pouch. The inner box is very elegant and practical, so works well for gifting and storage.

On to the toy itself. My Mona 2 is red, but it also comes in cerise and purple if you like your toys to look the same as all the other toys. I like that there’s at least one less obvious colour choice. It’s a sliiightly pinky red, but it is red.

LELO Mona 2 Charging PortWhatever colour you pick, the Mona 2 is rechargeable, which is possibly my favourite feature a toy can have. It charges for two hours (the buttons pulse while it charges and glow steady when it’s done) for a play time of up to four hours, which is enough for several uses (or one marathon, I suppose). It reportedly keeps its charge when not in use for up to 90 days.

The Mona 2 charges via a little jack in the base that is covered by an attached silicone tab. Nonetheless, the toy is waterproof, thanks to vacuum-sealed charging port, which is really quite clever in a worryingly attractive way. Sorry, I love gadgets and futuristic stuff.

The LELO Mona 2 is made from silicone (over a firm body) and ABS plastic, making it body-safe and non-porous. This means you don’t have to worry about bad reactions and you can also share it (between partners or orifices) as long as you sterilise it thoroughly.

The plastic is very glossy, white and smooth, giving it a modern “Apple” look. The silicone, meanwhile, is perhaps some of the silkiest, most sensuous silicone you’ll ever feel. It feels fantastic and soft when run over skin and it’s lovely to stroke. It does seem that the Mona 2 has some drag to it when inside me, but I think that’s part of the curvy shape rather than the surface.

The silicone covers hard internals, which means that although it feels silky, there is basically no give to the toy and little flex to its shape. If you need a stiff curve to stimulate your G-spot, this will be great for you. If you like to be able to put pressure on your G-spot or clit or guide toys precisely around your sweet spots, the Mona 2 is great for that too. You can buck against this all you like. In fact, I tend to assume a death-grip when I use the Mona 2 and it stands up to my abuse every time without the slightest problem.

LELO Mona 2 SizeThe Mona 2 is a very lightweight toy and not astoundingly large, making it easily manoeuvred. It is 8.25″ long, of which around 5.5″ is insertable, more than enough to reach most G-spots. The toy is around 1.4″ diameter at its widest point (the midpoint of the pointed G-spot head), which narrows down to just under an inch at the narrow ‘neck’ of the toy.

The shape of the Mona 2 is very aesthetically and ergonomically pleasing and is designed with one thing paramount: targeting the G-spot. The white handle is wide but shallow and is curved to sit comfortably in the hand like a pebble. The front is engraved with “LELO” above the four-button interface and a charging port sits on the base. From the handle the shaft curves down and narrows slightly before curving up into a bulbous yet pointed head. More on that in a bit.

LELO Mona 2 Controls

The Mona 2 is very easy to use with an incredibly intuitive interface. The + and – buttons are on the right and left of the toy respectively (as it faces up) turn the toy on and off and increase/decrease the speed. You can either tap the buttons or hold them down to move up/down rapidly, which is really useful. It’s annoying to have to “Morse” my way through speeds. At the top and bottom of the interface are two arrow buttons which are used to cycle between the modes. The buttons are slightly raised from the surface of the toy, and are silicone rather than the surrounding plastic, so they’re very easy to find in the heat of things.

The Mona 2 also features a travel lock, which is mentioned on the packaging, yet sadly unexplained in the user manual. Nowhere does it state how to travel lock or travel unlock this toy, which seems a big oversight as it’s not as intuitive as how to turn the toy on or change modes, both of which are explained. As it happens, to lock the Mona 2 for travel, you press down on the – button and the + button at the same time for about three seconds. The buttons will light up and then go out to show it is locked. Repeating this action unlocks the toy again. So now you know.

IN USE

The Mona 2’s shape and G-spot angle is, for me, almost perfect and is definitely shaped very well. The toy enters my vagina easily and with very little effort it presses up into the G-spot. In fact, just that felt incredibly intense, especially since the hard material allows for more pressure.

If just pressing on my G-spot with the Mona 2 feels intense, you can believe me when I say that the usual rubbing and shallow thrusting feels amazing. The head of the toy feels fantastically shaped and the overall sensation of the toy moving in and out is divine.

I do, however, often find myself holding the Mona 2 at an unusual angle in order to get more G-spot pressure, especially when I get more into things, which is a little crampy on my hands. It seems the angle is not quite perfect for me and that the ideal would be a little more extreme, but it’s still very good and can be adjusted by the angle at which you hold the toy. I definitely think that the G-spot curve would probably work for most people and I have to say that it works very, very well for me.

But whether the shape alone works well or not, this is a vibrator, not a dildo. In fact, the Mona 2 comes with six different vibration modes, including steady vibration. The patterns are fairly standard variations on pulses and escalations except for the last pattern which, as far as I can tell, appears to be a random jumble of vibration types, similar to the PicoBong Moka‘s “Bumper Cars” mode.

As you can hear in the video, it’s also a very discreet toy. Watching it back, all I can hear for the first few speeds is the background hum of my camera. Not only does the noise not carry through my closed door, but it doesn’t carry through my open one either. In fact, Crush couldn’t hear it from under the duvet on the lowest two-thirds of its vibration speeds. If you require discretion, this is very much for you.

It doesn’t wimp out on the vibration strength to achieve that discretion, either. The Mona 2 has a huge variety of vibration speeds which range from a tiny rumbly flicker to very decently strong indeed. All the speeds are rumbly, for that matter, and although the power/rumble isn’t quite as satisfying as my Tango (or maybe it’s the silicone versus plastic), it is definitely strong enough to get me off, definitely strong enough to call a “strong” vibe and definitely strong enough for the vast majority of people.

Used clitorally, it’s very satisfactory, which makes it a great all-rounder vibrator, but internally is where it really shines. That’s when you get the full and fantastic combination of vibration, material and shape. In fact, I had my first G-spot orgasm which was purely from vibration. No movement, rubbing, thrusting or even any particular pressure, just powerful vibrations on the right place. It was amazing. Normally internal vibrators don’t really do a lot for me. I’m a vibe on the clit, dildo in the slit (forgive me) kinda girl. But the LELO Mona 2 has opened me up to the possibility of inserted vibrators matching dildos at their own game.

What with pure pressure, pure vibration and the usual rubbing, the Mona 2 has given me three different ways of pleasing my G-spot, which I’ve just not had from any other toy.

LELO Mona 2 Tip

CONCLUSION

LELO have made an absolutely wonderful toy here. It’s red (yes, it does matter what colour stuff is), it’s gorgeous both to look at and to feel and made from the most silky silicone you’ll likely ever touch, making it body-safe (and the fact it’s rechargeable makes it environment- and wallet-safe). It’s sterilisable too and cleaning it is so much easier due to the fact that it is waterproof in an impressively Space Age way. Not convinced it’ll hold up to bathtime? I am, but there’s always the one year warranty to ease your mind. The quality and luxury of the Mona 2 is tangible.

If I could change anything about the Mona 2, I’d have to get picky. I’d like a slightly more substantial and perhaps grippier handle area as it would make the toy easier to hold and especially easier to grip without running into the buttons. I’d also intensify the G-spot curve just a tad and whack the vibration strength up another notch as it’s not quite the perfect strength to make my clit delirious. That said, these are really just minuscule quibbles. It’s rare that I get the luxury in a toy to make minuscule quibbles.

It’s super discreet and effortlessly intuitive (travel lock aside), the shape is fantastic enough that it could be a dildo and still wow me, the vibrations are strong and rumbly and it can make me G-spot orgasm in three entirely different ways, one of which through vibration alone. If that isn’t enough of a recommendation, I don’t know what is. If it is, grab the Mona 2 with both hands. It’s worth it. ♦

LELO Shop

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Fifth Bloggiversary Giveaway!

♦ Five years is a fair while, isn’t it? And since this blog started with my very first post on the 17th of November 2007 and it’s now the 17th of November 2012, that makes today my official fifth bloggiversary! Go me! Bang the party poppers, sound the trumpets and spank your nearest and dearest!

But this isn’t the time for a lengthy introspective retrospective. It’s time to thank you all for being here. Whether you’ve been with me all along and can remember the Fractal days, whether you came in at the shiny, back-with-gusto Crush era or whether your first visit was about a minute ago because you heard there might be prizes. It’s all good (though I’d love it if you stuck around).

So, to celebrate my fifth bloggiversary, there are prizes! (You were right!)

Three of the prizes in the giveaway are open to anyone and everyone, worldwide. Five of the prizes are open to the UK-only. Make sure you only enter the UK-only Rafflecopter (the second one) if you have a shipping address in the UK. If you win and you don’t, I will redraw and you’ll get bugger all. Entering under a pseudonym is fine as long as you can provide a real shipping address. Giveaway prizes will be shipped to you by the donor.

WORLDWIDE PRIZES

We-Vibe 3

The We-Vibe 3 couple’s vibrator, donated by yours truly! I won this toy a few months back in a competition, but it is UNUSED. Crush hates vibrations, so this toy is not for us. Since we’ve never used it and we will never use it, I’m donating it. After all, it costs a penny or two and I’ve heard good things about it, so it’d be sad for it to go to waste. Plus, purple.

Hungry for Love

A digital copy of Coming Together‘s zombie-themed erotic anthology Hungry for Love! Featuring my first ever published erotic fiction Last Man on Earth as well as 16 other stories by some incredibly talented authors. All are themed around zombies and all involve some awesome sexiness. Some even have both at once! With, y’know, zombie sex. And it works!

Tantus Splish

Tantus Splish silicone dildo, donated by Vibrator Kingdom! It’s Tantus, so you know it’s going to be awesome. They’re my favourite dildo-makers and I bloody love them. This is a harness-compatible silicone dildo that’s perfect for pegging, and impressively dual-toned. Look! So gorgeous!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

UK-ONLY PRIZES

Icicles No. 8 The Icicles No. 8 glass dildo, donated by Innocent Sex Toys! As anyone who owns one will tell you, glass dildos are fantastic. And just look at this one: beautiful, iridescent, blue! It’s so pretty and even more so because you can warm it up, cool it down and sterilise it for sharing! LELO Gigi The LELO Gigi luxury G-spot vibrator, donated by Bondara! A quality toy by a quality brand. The LELO Gigi (in a pastel pink) is a silicone vibrator designed to pleasure your G-spot. Everything about a LELO toy is luxurious, so I’m delighted to give one away. A Rechargeable Passion Massager wand, donated by Passion8! Who doesn’t love a good wand vibrator? This one’s wireless and rechargeable with two speeds and a body-friendly silicone head. You could even go really crazy and actually use it as a massager! Or orgasms. Those are good. Black Hand PaddleA Black Hand Paddle in Leather, donated by UberKinky! This spanking toy has a studded handle and a thong for better grip and is made from real leather. Leather, by the by, smells amazing. It’s a flexible toy that delivers a mix of thud and sting, so should suit many tastes! We-Vibe TangoThe We Vibe Tango rechargeable bullet, donated by Strawberry Blushes! When people ask me what clitoral vibe they should get, what do I recommend without fail? The Tango. It is honest-to-goodness my favourite vibrator ever. It is strong, gloriously rumbly and perfectly shaped. I am trying not to gush too much but, trust me, you NEED one. Plus, also purple.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

And there’s your lot! Thank you SO much to all my giveaway prize donors and to you all for reading, sharing and entering this competition. Please help make it a success and hopefully win something to wank with! Any questions, please ask.

I look forward to drawing the winners on the 3rd of December (giveaway closes the day before, sorry to anyone who doesn’t understand times in EST, neither do I). Enjoy! ♦

Review – Inked Vibes Slimline

Inked Vibe Slimline

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Inked Vibe Slimline by Desire and Pleasure in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Inked Vibe Slimline, made by California Exotic Novelties (Cal Ex), is a “tattooed” hard plastic vibrator sold by Desire and Pleasure, the sex toy selling branch of UK sexual health charity The Family Planning Association (FPA). The FPA have a very long and respected history as a sex-related charity in this country, so I was very intrigued by their decision to launch Desire and Pleasure and honoured to work with them.

Inked Vibes Slimline packagingThe Inked Vibe comes in a plastic box with a see-through front window, inside the vibrator rests in a clear plastic insert. The box contains some information on the size and material of the toy as well as its functions, but spends most of its time garishly burning my retinas. It’s pretty tacky-looking for a box with no 80s soft-porn women on. There doesn’t seem to be any information on what batteries the toy takes anywhere, but it turns out it’s C, which are powerful but a bit annoying to get hold of.

The batteries are inserted by twisting the end off the toy. Inside the vibrator is the battery compartment, which is cheaply lined with cardboard. Now, this is to muffle the sound of the batteries as the vibrations rattle them inside the case, but it still looks pretty poor-quality.

Inked Vibes Slimline cardboard At first I wasn’t even sure if I was supposed to remove the cardboard or not as it’s not at any point made clear you should keep it. Poor-quality or not, do keep it as the toy is reportedly a lot noisier without it. As it is, the toy is not exactly discreet and may put some people off, but it couldn’t be heard through my bedroom door.

The Inked Vibe is made from ABS plastic and is a seamless design shaped like a classic bullet vibe but much bigger. It is basically a hard plastic tube that comes to a bullet-style point. At the end is the battery cap and the dial, which is used to operate the vibrator. The controls are very simple: twist the dial to turn it on and up the speed, twist it back to do the reverse. It is multi-speed with a gradual increase from low to high as you turn the dial.

Inked Vibes Slimline sizeThe Inked Vibe’s dimensions are that it is 8″ long (with around 6.75″ of that insertable). It is 1.25″ in diameter at its widest, coming to a narrow but not too poky tip. Because it is made from ABS plastic, the Inked Vibe Slimline does feel bigger because of its firmness. It is not quite as “slimline” as it claims to be and I for one was certainly quite taken aback by its size on first sight, even though I’ve certainly had bigger. As I say, though, the inflexibility of the plastic makes it punch above its weight.

My Inked Vibe is black, but the toy also comes in white and pink. The shaft of the toy is emblazoned with an old-school tattoo design. The white comes in a different design (a snake and a skull), but the pastel pink shares the same design as the black: a cross, heart and anchor juxtaposed with a blank parchment-like ribbon.

This is quite clearly the main selling point of the toy because, let’s be honest, the Inked Vibe Slimline really is just a bog-standard, basic, classic vibrator style with a cool-looking tattoo on it. The cool-looking tattoo is cool, though. If you’re a fan of old-school tattoo flash, rockabilly, psychobilly, 50s chic and/or roller derby, like I am, you’ll likely love the look of the tattoo on this toy. The colours are bright and the art has attitude, especially on the black background. It looks pretty sweet.

Inked Vibes Slimline scratchI was somewhat worried about the design scratching off, even though it feels securely under a layer of coating. I couldn’t scratch with my nails, but it failed the scratch-with-a-pen test and it also chipped with a very light graze of my teeth. I was barely trying. So although I think the tattoo design is unlikely to come off in normal use, do be very careful if it goes near pointy or metal objects such as restraint buckles and also when washing it 1. In any case, if the design gets damaged, that area becomes easy to scratch with fingernails and you’ll likely want to replace this toy for hygiene reasons.

Speaking of washing this toy, the Inked Vibe is dubbed “waterproof” by its manufacturers. Lol, no. I closed the end cap (which comes with a rubber O-ring in an attempt to keep moisture out) as tightly as I could and placed it in my full bathroom sink. I turned it on for a little bit, in an attempt to simulate normal use, turned it back off, wiped the outside dry and opened the battery compartment. This is what I saw:

Inked Vibes Slimline water fail

Honestly? A rubber O-ring and still that much water gets in the battery compartment? Enough to soak the cardboard right through down to 1.5cms 2 on a good half of its circumference? If there is water in your battery compartment, no matter how much or little, then your toy is NOT waterproof. I’d be very worried about this toy shorting or otherwise failing if you’d tried to use it in the bath, particularly if you used it in water regularly.

IN USE

The Inked Vibe Slimline is a pretty new experience for me as I never actually had a classic-style plastic vibrator in my wanking-youth. The firmness and straight shape of the toy make for an interesting combination and not always a helpful one. I found that I couldn’t use the toy internally sitting on the edge of my chair as I sometimes do and could only really get comfortable flat on my back. This is because the toy has no give and really is straight as a ruler. Insertion is otherwise easy thanks to the smooth surface of the Inked Vibe and there really is no drag to speak of.

It feels big and I actually really liked thrusting with it, feeling it open me up on the inward thrust and letting my pussy narrow again as it withdraws. It’s a very pleasurable feeling and one made even more noticeable by the hard material. Despite the narrow girth numerically, size fans may get more out of this than they initially expect.

You can also use the Inked Vibe clitorally (though not anally due to the lack of flared base) and it works very well for that. The hardness of the shape is much more of a blessing than a curse here as it transmits the vibrations very well and allows for greater pressure if you so desire. You can even used the pointed end of the toy for more precision sensation. I’d say it’s definitely a dual-purpose toy that works just as well on the clit as it does internally.

As for vibrations, they start decently and only get better from there, working up to very powerful at the top speed. It’s definitely enough to satisfy me and it’s certainly what I’d call a pretty powerful vibrator. You’d hope so with silly C batteries. The vibrations aren’t exactly buzzy, but they’re not rumbly either. They’re more than surface-level, though, and seem to be a sort of halfway house between rumble and buzz. Helpfully, the hard plastic transmits them very well, both externally and internally.

Unhelpfully, I can’t show you a video of the Inked Vibe’s vibration as I normally would, because it’s crapped out on me. It worked very well and exactly as I’d hope for the first four or five uses, but now it isn’t working properly at all. And it’s not the batteries. Instead of turning on and slowly working up the vibration speeds, the Inked Vibe sits silently as I turn the dial until the very last millimetre and then comes on at full strength. As long as you hold it in place, because if you let go it turns off again. Thank God the highest setting works at all or I’d have thrown it in the bin by now.

Inked Vibes Slimline in black

CONCLUSION

The California Exotics Inked Vibe Slimline is, for me, a disappointing lesson in having my lowest expectations met. I’ll be honest here, I heard the name California Exotics and immediately thought of poor quality. And with a scratchable design (though not as easily scratched as it could be), a “waterproof” seal that lets in enough water to the battery compartment to soak several centimetres of thick card and a speed dial (at best guess) that stops working after less than half a dozen uses, the Inked Vibe Slimline seems pretty low quality to me.

Sure, it’s very pretty and sure it’s pretty powerful and maybe you just can’t resist its Man’s Ruin charm. So, if you do buy it from Desire and Pleasure: make sure it doesn’t rub up against anything pointy, keep it away from water, don’t feed it after midnight and hope against hope that it doesn’t have the same gremlins mine has. ♦

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Notes:

  1. This is also a vibrator you probably don’t want to have taped to your vulva (you laugh, but that was one of the best and kinkiest afternoons I’ve had) as other reviewers have reported that some tape can remove the design.
  2. When I opened it the next day after taking this pic, it had got twice that far, somehow.

Review – Fairy Mini II

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Fairy Mini II Massager by Vibrator Kingdom in exchange for my honest review. Click pictures to embiggen.

 ♦ The Fairy Mini II Massager, made by Merci Toys and sold by Vibrator Kingdom, is a USB rechargeable wand-style vibrator from a family of cutesy wand-style vibrators, all of which have ridiculously similar names. Mini, Mini II, Mini Mini, Pocket Mini? Jeez. Yup, that’s not confusing at all, Merci, thanks (or even merci). Vibrator Kingdom sells the Fairy Mini II in a set (but also separately) which includes the USB charging cable, a pink fabric storage case and two attachments for the head of the wand: the “Kurikuri” for women and the “Enema” (classy!) for men, about which more later.

The packaging for the Fairy Mini II is an uber-girly cardboard box with a see-through panel to show the toy. The back contains a wealth of information on the toy, mostly in Japanese but also in English, making this a cool gift for Japanophiles and slightly confusing for non-Japanese-speakers. The USB cable comes in a pretty plain cardboard box and the two attachments are in clear plastic boxes with fancy labels.

The Fairy Mini II is a wireless Lithium Ion version of the Fairy Mini from Merci. It can be charged at the wall or via USB, however the version sold by Vibrator Kingdom only comes with the USB cable. I actually find that preferable since my bedroom has very few plug sockets but my computer is pretty much on whenever I’m there. The wand is 8″ long and has a 1.75″ diameter rounded head that is ribbed on its 1.75″ deep sides. The body of the wand is made of ABS plastic with soft, rubberised sides and the head is silicone; the two are connected by a flexible neck. It’s not waterproof or splashproof, so be careful how you clean it. Damp cloth only, try to stick to the head area.

Aesthetically, with its white-n-pink body and worryingly cutesy logo, the Fairy Mini II is truly the Hello Kitty microphone of sex toys. Ergonomically, the handle is comfortable, the toy is light and the general shape makes for easy use.

The Fairy Mini II charges by connecting the charger to a port covered by a little rubber cover and there is a green charging light on the front that switches off when the toy is charged. I know that several reviewers have reported problems with getting the wand to hold a charge, but this has mostly not been an issue for me. After charging it for the first time, the Fairy Mini II did actually cut out after about 5-10 minutes (i.e., far too short), but since then I haven’t had an issue with it holding charge. It’s something to be aware of, though, and I will say I find it doesn’t quite hold charge long enough anyway.

The wand is turned on using a variable speed dial just above the charging light. The dial turns easily and is nicely grooved for good feedback, but what I found really weird were the directions. If you’re using the toy as you’d expect (head on your body and shaft pointing away towards your feet), you thumb the dial away from the head to power up and towards the head to back off and slow down. I always forget this, because it just seems so counter-intuitive. If I wanted to back off, I’d move the wand away, so surely I should pull the dial away to back off in terms of vibration? It’s irksome.

IN USE

Speaking of vibrations, they’re pretty strong (although they seemed a lot weaker on my first use, as well as cutting out early). They aren’t as strong as my Ideal wand, the only other wand I own, but on the other hand they don’t make my skin itch nearly half as much either. Though they are still pretty damn buzzy. And they’re definitely strong enough that I don’t just race to the highest setting like I do on a lot of vibrators. In fact, there are sessions where I won’t even touch the highest strength because I just don’t need it or it would be too much.

Of course, the massive benefit over my other wand, and any other two-speed wand out there like the Hitachi, is that the speed is variable and there are no fixed settings, meaning you can gradually dial the strength up or down. You can easily find the exact level you are happy with. If I had to praise only one feature of this wand, that would be it. The vibrations of this toy are strong and work fine for me, but they aren’t quite what I look for in a toy (rumblier is better) and the one thing this toy has over my other (rumblier) wand is the ability to truly customise my speed.

Whilst the Fairy Mini II is powerful, it’s also bloody noisy. It’s about as discreet in terms of sound as it is tasteful and subtle in its girliness. I mean, listen to that. It is loud. Not only loud, but really grating. The lower the speed, the whinier it is; the higher the speed, the more it channels a pneumatic-drill. There’s really no respite. If discretion is high among your list of priorities, heck, if discretion is even on your list of priorities, back away now. What’s really cute is, as you can see at the start of the video, you can even turn it to a setting where it makes a God-awful high-pitched whine but isn’t actually doing anything at all. Impressive.

Yet another downside to the toy comes in one of the main features of a good wand: the flexibility of that neck and head. Yes, the neck is flexible, but I found the Fairy Mini II had a depressing tendency to get weaker and weaker and eventually stop outright (but keep going with that catchy whine!) the more I bent the neck to get it to a good angle. That’s just bad design.

THE ATTACHMENTS

The Fairy Mini II Massager set sold by Vibrator Kingdom comes with two attachments for the head of the wand: one for women and one for men.

Kurikuri is the female attachment and is best described as a sort of slightly scary-looking bobbly-nobbly cup shape that fits fairly nicely onto the head of the Fairy Mini II and then cups the clitoris and labia. It looks really creepily medical, but there you have it.

At first, the Kurikuri left me cold and I really couldn’t see the point in it. Subsequent uses improved my impression of it, but I’m still a little dubious. On the down side: it’s ridiculous, it’s rubber (as far as I can tell) and it makes it basically impossible to include penetration in your play, which sucks. On the plus side: it is less itchy-making and seemed to make the vibrations sort of reverberate around its inner surface and the little tail of the cup (that gets in the way of dildos) was pushing inside me just enough to produce some really fantastic orgasms. It was definitely a fun sensation.

Enema is the male attachment and was a real pain in the arse (no pun intended) to actually get onto the head of the wand. It’s designed to hit the prostate. To be honest, I’ve not got much to say about this one. I’m not a man and the one I’ve got hates vibrations. I have an arse, but not a prostate, and I didn’t fancy using something rubber anally. I’ve heard one reviewer enjoyed it on their G-spot, so I tried that, but nada.

Luckily, Vibrator Kingdom also sells the Fairy Mini II on its own without the two attachments for £15 less, so if you don’t fancy the attachments, that’s an option.

CONCLUSION

The Fairy Mini II Massager is an uber-girly massage wand that, unfortunately, I’m not really sure I can recommend. If you’re into that kind of thing, you’ll love the pink femininity and the shape is ergonomic, even if the vibrations react really badly to the flex of the head. The fact that the Fairy Mini II has a variable speed dial (even a counter-intuitive one) is really its biggest plus point and is perhaps the sole reason I might come back to this toy in the future.

The vibrations are strong, but not stupidly strong for a wand, and they’re buzzy, though they don’t make me itch much at all. They should be deeper and rumblier, though. It’s whiny and irritatingly loud and it seems to have some issues (charge time and strength) that could either be first-use gremlins or recurring quality problems. They haven’t come back yet, but they might well as the toy ages.

In any case, for £65 (£50 without attachments), I’d expect more from a wand vibrator like this. If you’re really into girly pink toys, you’re a wand collector or you can overlook the bugbears of the toy, perhaps give the Fairy Mini II a try from Vibrator Kingdom. But for me, it’s not something I would pay for now I know what it’s like and that just means I can’t give it my seal of approval. ♦

Why not read some more of my sex toy reviews?