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Purple Worm

♦ Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve participated in Toy With Me Tuesday, hasn’t it? I love good pictures of good sex toys and I have plenty lying around that I’d love to post as well as ideas for several more in my head. But I have, you may be surprised to learn, a relaxed schedule for this blog and whilst that includes minimum posts per time (ideally one a week, one a fortnight as an absolute low if I can’t help it), it also includes maximum posts per time. Whilst I don’t have a set number for this, I start to feel a little spammy if I post more than 2-3 times a week. I know I don’t have the time to read blog posts that regularly, so why should I assume that others do?

So I don’t join in every week, or even every other week, with memes because there are so many that I like that I’d soon end up with posts on Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday alone without even considering any of my posts that don’t fit into memes. And I certainly don’t want this blog to become just memes (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But I should start contributing more to them here and there, so here’s a little picture for TWMT.

Purple Wurm

I couldn’t call this anything other than “Purple Worm”. The Tantus Purr is almost segmented just like a worm, curves like a worm and its colour, Purple Haze, is undeniably in the lilac camp of Team Purple. Even the background is a purple glitter paradise and I love the contrast between the sharp, in focus glitter in the foreground and the blurry bokeh at the back.

Of course, as a massive geek, Purple Worm is a phrase that brings an entirely different image than this one to mind.

D&D Purple WormYes, rather than an incredibly good textured dildo that I for some reason compared to Rattata, the thing that leaps into my head (dear God, I hope not literally) is the 80 feet long, 40,000lb, entirely made-up Dungeons & Dragons monster. Does that seem like something I want to put near my vagina? Let me quote, “In battle, a purple worm forms into a coil 20 feet in diameter, biting and stinging anything within reach.” So… NOPE.

Luckily, while the D&D Purple Worm has an attack which swallows you whole, this purple worm is instead often subject to an attack that swallows it whole… Ladies. Dear God, why do they let me have a blog again? ♦

Toy with me Tuesday

Review – LELO Gigi 2

LELO Gigi 2

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Gigi 2 by LELO in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Gigi 2 is a luxury G-spot vibrator made by high-end toymakers LELO, touted as an update of “arguably the most positively reviewed Pleasure Object ever created”. Pleasure Object aside, it’s true that the Gigi 2 is, rather obviously, an update to the Gigi, a toy which I’ve sadly never tried.

LELO Gigi 2 PackagingThe outer packaging of the Gigi 2 is a cardboard box, white on one side with pictures, contents and product blurb. The other sides are the colour of your toy. Inside this is a thick, matte black cardboard box with your Gigi 2 nestled in a velvety cut-out. In a compartment at the end of the box you’ll find the charger, a sachet of LELO lube, a user booklet, an authenticity card and a black satin pouch (which I’ve already lost).

For the Gigi 2 itself, well mine is a lovely vivid electric blue, but it also comes in three other colours: a subtle light grey and the usual pastel pink and magenta. From the coloured silicone, the toy is separated from the white plastic handle by a silver plastic ring or band. Aesthetically I prefer the bandless Mona 2, but that’s up to personal taste.

It’s rechargeable (and keeps charge very well), it’s waterproof, it comes with a travel lock (important for rechargeables) and, being silicone and hard plastic, it’s body-safe and non-porous.

The Gigi 2‘s silicone is essentially a layer over a solid form, meaning that it not only feels incredibly silky and non-draggy (LELO silicone is great), but is also very inflexible. This, for me at least, is important when it comes to clitoral stimulation (I like pressure), but especially so for G-spot stimulation (pressure is one of the major ways that works). And since G-spot orgasms tend to involve a lot of bucking about for me, a solid toy is excellent.

The Gigi 2 is fantastically shaped with a wonderful G-spot curve that makes it almost effortless for me to come that way. Really, sure, if I want a better orgasm, it’s a little more effort, but it feels absolutely great just with lazy penetration. Shape-wise, it’s basically like a smaller (and weaker) PicoBong Moka (made by their own subsidiary) or a vibrating LELO Ella dildo, with that perfect G-spot shape. When I tried to compare them in terms of G-spottiness (technical term), I couldn’t really pick a winner. Just going to have to do more tests!

LELO Gigi 2 SizeFor the size, as I say, it’s smaller than the Moka and it’s shorter, though slightly bulkier, than the Ella. It’s slightly less than an inch in diameter at the narrow neck and only a little bigger at the base of the insertable section.

It’s about 6.5″ long, of which a measly 3.5″ (down to the silver band) is insertable. That’s not too bad if all you’re trying to reach is the usually-not-far-in G-spot, but it leaves only 3″ for the handle and this poses problems.

Its modest size, means there’s almost nothing to grip onto when you’re using it internally. Externally is fine (I’m used to my We-Vibe Tango as a favourite toy, after all), but it practically disappears inside you for G-spot use. And since I like my pressure and my angles, good grip is important.

The control pad on the Gigi 2 is rather awkwardly placed for that too, it’s almost exactly where I want to press for G-spot pressure (unlike the side buttons of the Moka). I don’t know why I don’t have this problem so much with the Mona 2, which has its buttons in the same place, but I’m guessing it’s because the far bigger handle allows me a better grip that doesn’t make so much use of that area .

The control pad is also pretty cramped. Instead of having four wholly separate buttons (again, like the Mona 2), the Gigi 2 has an iPod-style control wheel type interface, which is just less easy to use in the heat of things. Heck, I sometimes even have trouble turning it off AFTER the heat of things. It isn’t *horrible*, but then I see it sitting next to the Mona 2

Yes, this is going to be a theme.

One of the things that does make it perhaps a superior sex toy for certain purposes is its broad, flat head. Whilst I prefer pinpoint stimulation for my clit, what really counts is the pressure and solid broad head vibrators come a close second. More importantly, the head is, at least to me, just better for G-spot stimulation than anything rounded or pointed or what have you.

LELO Gigi 2 Shape

If you’re keen on vibrations on your G-spot (and if you’re not, I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just buy a dildo, like the Ella), you’re going to probably be a little disappointed with the Gigi 2. Heck, if you’re using it on your clitoris, you might be a little disappointed too: it’s just not that powerful. LELO claims to have made it 100% more powerful than its first incarnation, but I haven’t tried that so I can’t comment. What I can say is that it’s… wait for it… not nearly as powerful as the Mona 2. Or even the battery-powered PicoBong Moka!

It’s… fine? Fairly decent? If you’re keen on power, this likely won’t be enough. For most people, well, it’s probably OK. The highest setting will get me off clitorally, but it will also leave me wanting more. Since I don’t need G-spot vibration to make a G-spot orgasm, I didn’t mind that the vibrations were a little pathetic internally. I can only assume they didn’t put the superior motor of the Mona 2 and Ina 2 into the Gigi 2 because of space constraints, but considering the handle is too small anyway, that just makes the size issue even more vexing.

So, the strength is decent but not stellar, but what about the vibration modes? Well, the Gigi 2 has a fair few of them eight in total (including steady vibration), and they’re a good variety. There are pulses of varying speeds, ramps (weak to strong, repeated), two  type of hills/rollercoasters (weak to strong to weak, repeated) and a crazy random everything-goes mode which PicoBong would call “Bumper Cars”, but which LELO neglects to name.

And it’s quiet too. Very, very quiet indeed. Even on full whack, the Gigi 2 sounds a bit like a phone on vibrate. On the lower settings, you probably wouldn’t even notice it was on in the same room. It’s certainly quieter than my computer.

CONCLUSION

LELO have made a toy that is fine. Even decent, good. Honestly, when you look at some of the things I review, this is a good toy. It’s just not fabulous. It’s body-safe, which is very important, but that’s not so much ” a plus” as “not a slapped wrist and a rant”. It’s rechargeable and waterproof. It’s very pretty and comes in some good colours and in lovely packaging that’s great for gifting. Where it does well, the shape of the toy, especially for use on the G-spot, it does incredibly well. I love the shape.

The size would not be a problem for me if I only I had something to hold on to. It needs a longer handle. We may disagree on whether it needs more length or girth inside. It needs better controls, though the ones it has aren’t terrible on their own. It needs more vroom. It is not keeping up with the rest of its extended family on that front.

And that’s just it, really, isn’t it? Mona, and even Moka, have just ruined me for the Gigi. Big sister Mona 2 is stronger, bigger, perhaps even more beautiful, and easier to manipulate. All the Gigi 2 has over it is its shape. Cousin Moka is also bigger and stronger, though not itself nearly as strong as the Mona 2, but it comes from a different family: cheaper but also non-rechargeable. It has an appetite for batteries. And if you were never really in it for the vibrations, but just that glorious shape, there’s little sister Ella too. Still small, but easier to handle and ultimately uncomplicated.

Again, this is a good toy, but £79 is a fair whack. For that, you should get a fair whack. And I’m just not sure the Gigi 2 ultimately provides it. But if the shape is important and you need vibrations, but not the strongest ever, and you want a rechargeable toy, well, Gigi 2 it is. And if that is you, you can get it here. ♦

Review – Tantus Cush O2 Dildo

Tantus Cush O2


Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Tantus Cush O2 by Tantus in exchange for my honest review. Click pictures to embiggen.

♦ The Cush O2 by Tantus is a large dildo made from Tantus’ O2 silicone, meaning it features dual densities of silicone. The supersoft white silicone forms a squishy layer over the firm density blue (in my case, as I have the Ice colour option, rather than purple Twilight or pink candy), providing varying sensations, especially around this toy’s prominent second ridge.

Tantus Cush PackagingThe packaging is the standard Tantus fare: lovely and eye-catching to look at, simple, non-tacky yet also not overly discreet (what with being see-through). It sadly doesn’t always hold up well to being used for storage and may split. I tend to keep my Tantus dildos in storage bags as they pick up dust and lint very easily. Don’t worry about storing them together, they’re super-safe.

As I say, you can get your Tantus Cush O2 in one of three colours, but I absolutely love my Ice one. It’s a gorgeous, ethereal blue and white combination that looks a little like liquid nitrogen over a deep pond. The effect is thanks to the aforementioned O2 dual-layer silicone: where the top layer is thinner, such as just below the toy’s second ridge, the blue comes through more. It really does look icy.

Tantus Cush SizeIt also has an interesting look in terms of shape: somewhere between realism (with the head of the dildo) and non-representational (the simple shape and added ridge). Size-wise, the Tantus Cush O2 is very long and girthy, certainly one for the Size Lovers.

The Tantus Cush O2 is just under 8″ long with just over 7″ insertable, 1.8″ diameter on the shaft and around 1.9″ on the widest part of the (admittedly squishy) head.

I certainly needed a warm up on every occasion (and yet I didn’t always with the Tantus Max O2, which is actually bigger. Is it the Cush or am I losing my touch? I’ve decided it’s probably neither but very well might be the effects of stress on my body). I also needed a healthy dollop of lubricant. On the first few times I tried it, it felt uncomfortable even with other toys beforehand, but I think that’s down to me not quite getting myself in the mood as much as I should have. Recently I’ve given it a go and, in a better mood and having got used to the toy, it’s felt wonderfully comfortable very quickly and stayed that way even after I’m done. No soreness, no “I’ve pushed myself a bit far”.

Coupled with its size, it’s also a very firm dildo in terms of flexibility, with very little give. It stands up dead straight on its base with no support. You can bend it, but it takes two hands and a fair bit of effort.

What helps with the size and relatively unbending nature of the Tantus Cush is that it’s O2 silicone: it’s got a hard core but a gloriously squishy outer layer. OK, so the matte texture gives it a fair bit of drag, but the squishiness more than compensates for any problems that might cause. In the case of the Cush, the dildo gets squishier the nearer the bulbous tip it gets. In fact, I’d say at least the top inch is all squish (which serves to make insertion easier than it otherwise would be) and is therefore much gentler than its rather pointy shape would suggest.

Tantus Cush Tip

The only places where you may find the shape a little troublesome are the ridges. Or in all likeliness, like me, you might find them incredibly stimulating instead! The Tantus Cush O2 has two ridges, one where you might expect at the base of the head (the corona) and one pronounced one that starts about three inches from the base of the shaft on the top. Neither of these ridges affect the bottom side of the shaft, which is very smooth.

Tantus Cush RidgeThese two ridges really stimulate the front vaginal wall and can even pleasure the G-spot (not everything has to be curved to hit it!). They do for mine. Since both the ridges are made from the supersoft material, they’re much more forgiving than they look and make you feel wonderful rather than catching horribly.

In fact, the Tantus Cush O2 is so good at stimulating me, I found I only really needed very small movements to feel absolutely amazing. It was very easy to come. and you don’t need to pound away, which is probably good considering the size.

CONCLUSION

The Tantus Cush O2 is a fantastic toy from a fantastic company that makes fantastic products. There is really only about one thing I could think of that could make it unsuitable for someone and that is the size. It’s big. It’s not for everyone. If you can’t see yourself coping with a girthy toy like this, try something else Tantus makes. The Tantus Flurry O2, for example, is the same length, material and colour range and features two ridges, but is only 1.5″ in diameter.

If you can see yourself working up to this girth, or you’re already a full-on Size Lover, then I think you’ll love this toy. It’s got all the usual Tantus qualities of being absolutely body-safe, sterilisable, non-porous and made of 100% high-quality platinum O2 silicone. It’s anal-safe, if you’re bold, and harness-compatible thanks to its flared base. It’s big and firm, but with a lovely layer of squish on top. And, most of all, it has those two fantastic ridges, particularly the second one, which rub the front walls of your vagina and stimulate your G-spot (or at least mine) with the slightest effort.

What’s more, it’s beautiful, too. So I’d suggest you rush out (well, online) right now and buy the Cush O2 from the lovely guys at Tantus. You deserve it. ♦

Review – Jimmyjane Hello Touch

Jimmyjane Hello Touch fingertip vibrator

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Jimmyjane Hello Touch by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest opinion. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Jimmyjane Hello Touch, sold by Lovehoney, is the latest “hot new thing” from sex toy hipsters and bouncy-castle-mongers Jimmyjane. Now, you’ll notice that’s a fairly loaded sentence, so I’ll be honest with you: I asked to test the Hello Touch half because I considered that it might have genuine potential and half because I really hoped that it didn’t.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t. It’s awful, but I suggest you read the rest of this review to find out why, just in case you and I disagree. And because it should be funny.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Packaging

So, the Hello Touch is a fingertip vibrator comprised of a slim control box, which rests in a stretchy grey wristband, and two vibrating silicone fingerpads attached by a Y-shaped wire to said control box. It comes in a matte box which looks like it was designed by Apple, but still has quite a lot of information on it, even if some of it is lies (“intuitive interface”, “powerful”). There is supposedly more information in the manual, but I found it a bit sparse as it was solely pictorial.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Manual instructionsThe two of us followed the instructions in the manual to insert the batteries for the first time and we were completely lost. It took us about five minutes to actually manage it and neither of us are exactly stupid.

It probably didn’t help that the Hello Touch runs on AAAAs. Yes, quadruple. What even are those? I’d never heard of them. At least they’re included, because they’re hard to find and not cheap.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch ContentsThe plastic insert in the box that holds both the manuals and the toy is a bit naff, and I wouldn’t use it for storage. Luckily, the Hello Touch comes with a black fabric case for the toy and that would be quite nice if it had another popper to actually keep it closed. As it is, it’s just lopsided and silly and not as secure as I’d like.

It doesn’t need to really be secure, though, because even if you leave the batteries in the Hello Touch, one thing that’s really not going to happen is it turning on by itself. This is because it’s hard enough to actually get it to do that when you’re trying. The buttons on the controller are very unresponsive, leaving me to often have to remove the controller from my wrist to use it. This is not helped by the fact that for some unfathomably stupid reason (likely aesthetics) the buttons aren’t labelled. So without instinctively remembering which is which, you’re not even sure you’re hammering on the right one. I constantly forget which is which.

Hello Touch ControllerTo make it even more frustrating and poorly designed, there are THREE circles printed onto the grey wristband, but only TWO actual buttons on the controller. That middle “button” is just a useless circle that does nothing other than toy with you.

So, in Jimmyjane’s dream, sometimes a circle means a button and at other times it means bugger all. Because that’s an “intuitive interface”.

“Why are there only two buttons anyway?” You may ask. Because this £45 vibrator has only one speed. ONLY ONE SPEED. That’d be awful for that much money even if that speed wasn’t pathetically weak and buzzy, which it is. The problem is that what vibration there is is significantly dampened by the simple act of actually wearing the fingerpads and touching something. I’m not even sure if I care that the Hello Touch is on. The first time I tried it, I got to my orgasm eventually, but I had to give in and warm up with something better first. On subsequent occasions, I’ve just got bored before I come. I like a bit of power, but I’m not actually all that hard to make come and I certainly don’t often get too bored to orgasm.

As I say, the wearing of the fingerpads suppresses the vibration and actually makes my fingers vibrate more than my clit. If you hate vibrations on your fingers, you’ll hate this. Crush (who hates vibration of all kinds) reckons he could just about stand it if he HAD to and it felt weird even to me. You definitely can’t do Jimmyjane’s suggestion of wearing the Hello Touch on the back of your fingers and turning your fingers into vibrators, as that makes the vibrations even weaker. My clitoris just can’t feel it and the rest of me just doesn’t care. Plus, the silicone straps of the fingerpads get in the way of that idea.

Jimmyjane Hello Touch Fingertips

At first, it seems nice to have the vibrations of the Hello Touch follow your fingers (and if the concept worked well, I think I’d really like it) until you realise it doesn’t live up to the concept. You spend most of your time readjusting the pads when they fall half-off your fingertips or they start not sitting right. I found I really wanted my fingertip vibrator to actually sit on the tips of my fingers as much as possible, as opposed to halfway down the pad of the finger. It’s just so unergonomic and the pads are so bulky. I didn’t have space for both pads on my clitoris, especially not if I wanted to move them, and it was very awkward.

To make matters worse, the pad I was using then fell half-off as I came. Which is just not what you want.

Jimmyjane also states that “HELLO TOUCH is the smallest fingertip vibrator available, and the only one optimized for both internal and clitoral stimulation”, but when I tried internal G-spot stimulation, I found the device itself got right in my way. And then one of the pads came off my finger whilst inside me and I had to pull it out like a tampon. Ugh. That is certainly the mental image I want to associate with my orgasm. My juices got all over the pads and pad-straps, including in between the vibrating pod and its holder itself, making it a bitch to clean.

If you think Jimmyjane recommending G-spot use and the pads falling off is bad, check this out: Jimmyjane specifically suggests you put these things up your arse.

Hello Touch Pad RemovedYes, really. They think you can, and should, try anal with these things. That’s just not safe.

That little silicone finger pad that holds the vibrating pod is not actually attached to anything at all. It could easily come off inside your rectum, especially with the obvious addition of lube and rubbing.

You could lose those inside your ass, especially when you consider that the whole thing came off my finger easily in my vagina and all I had were the wires to pull it out. In the arse, one pull like that could lose the silicone finger-straps. Please don’t try this and shame on Jimmyjane for suggesting it.

So, it’s weak and the fingerpads are too bulky for tight spots, come off too easily and are not exactly fun to wear, but at least the wristband itself is OK. It’s about the only part of the Hello Touch that’s comfortable and it’s fairly generously sized without being too baggy. It fits me easily and comfortably, and I’m quite overweight, but it’s not too loose on Crush’s skinnier wrists either. I also quite like the futuristic grey, although that aesthetic is largely ruined by the ugly stitching.

Wearing the Hello Touch

CONCLUSION

The Jimmyjane Hello Touch is a seriously bad toy and an expensive puff of nothing. Its “intuitive interface” is not only unresponsive but also very poorly designed, its “ultra-compact” fingerpads are not comfy, ergonomic or easy to use and keep where you want them. Not only that, the Hello Touch might work OK for gentle caressing and touch, if you like things really gentle (and a bit androidy), but it sure as hell doesn’t work for use on or in the female genitals. I couldn’t try it on Crush, because he hates vibration, but I can’t imagine the finger pads would stay on well during a hand job. And God forbid you put it up your butt.

All that I could forgive if it at least felt good. But it’s buzzy and weak and I cannot believe that the Hello Touch experience was essentially so tedious and pathetic that I got bored of wanking. It’s touted as powerful, but I can tense my arm until my fingers shake and I’m pretty certain I’m a more powerful vibrator than the Hello Touch. ♦

Review – Doc Johnson Platinum The Slender Dildo

Doc Johnson Platinum The Slender silicone dildo

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Doc Johnson Platinum The Slender Dildo by Sex Toys UK in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

The Slender Dildo, sold by Sex Toys UK, is a slimline silicone dildo in the Doc Johnson Platinum line, which is promoted as being suitable either for vaginal or anal use. I wanted to test it mainly because I was curious as to how Doc Johnson’s silicone would hold up to inspection, given their poor reputation for toy materials. Also, look at that colour!

Doc Johnson The Slender PackagingThe packaging for the toy is a clear blister pack with a purplish insert. It’s pretty basic and not too tacky, though likely to be unsuitable for storage as it’s a fair deal bigger than it needs to be.

It has a fairly large amount of useful information about the toy on the back, including about its material, shape, uses. it also promises a “life-like feel”. We’ll just cut the suspense, shall we? It doesn’t.

My Slender is in an absolutely beautiful shade of mint green that looks really tempting and elegant. It’s awesome and lovely to see a dildo not in lilac, pink or black for once. It also comes in a slightly aubergine purple colour elsewhere, but trust me, this is better.

Doc Johnson The Slender SizeThe Doc Johnson Slender is not a dildo for size queens and not a large toy by any means. It is around 6.75″ long with an insertable portion of about 6″. The shaft is just under an inch in diameter at its narrowest point under the head and tapers out gently to around 1.1″ where it meets the base. The bulbous head itself is wider, being around 1.3″ diameter at its widest point.

This makes it a great toy for those who prefer slimmer insertables or those who are relative newcomers to vaginal or anal penetration. I would say, though, that it could probably do with being a little longer so that, at the very least, there’s more to hold onto, but also because it tends to make things easier harness-wise. I also prefer longer toys personally.

Material-wise, the Slender is an interesting beast. It’s highly glossy to the touch and feels rubbery, almost squeaky as you run your fingers along it. It’s incredibly draggy, so you may want to use lube even though it’s slender. It is silicone, because I checked. Because it’s Doc Johnson we’re talking about here. It passed the flame test with flying colours, so yay.

It also picks up crap like a motherfucker, especially hair. Seriously, it got hairy just sitting upright on a board waiting to be photographed. How?! Whilst the silicone makes it easy to clean (and body-safe and yadda yadda, you know the drill), it is basically impossible to keep clean.

The Slender FlexibilityBy far the most noticeable aspect of the Slender is that it is very flexible, and even floppy, indeed. Not only can you bend it in half very easily, but you can even twist it around on itself.

This means that there is absolutely no way you can put pressure on your G-spot (or anywhere else), so stay away if that’s your thing. It does follow the curves of my vagina well, and therefore brushes over my G-spot, which feels nice, but there’s certainly not enough pressure or firmness for a real G-spot orgasm.

The Doc Johnson Platinum Slender is not just suitable for vaginal use, it’s for anal play too.

Now, I don’t use anal toys all that much, but this is, aha, a slender toy, so it’s touted as working well for beginners. I found the bulbous head slightly tricky to insert, but not as hard as it could be thanks to the decent taper. I should probably point out that I’m a super impatient masturbator, so with a little better anal preparation, insertion should be easier. That said, perhaps not too easy, as the flexibility of the toy can hinder here. You’ll likely need to guide the head of the toy in by gripping just behind it and sorting that out first. Once the head is in, the rest is much easier.

The flexibility of the Slender does make it much easier to take in terms of comfort, though. The head feels unusual, but the shaft is a great diameter for me as an unpractised anal user. Plus, for with its very flared base, it’s super safe. Did I enjoy it anally? I did. I think I’d likely prefer a toy with a more bumpy shaft and a less bulgy head, but the shape is really nice and the material, with its flex, is brilliant for noobs. It certainly felt pretty good and better than I expected.

Doc Johnson The Slender horizontal

As concerns strap-on use, I wasn’t able to try it out on a live partner, but it does have a much sturdier base than the flexibility of the toy would suggest, which is always helpful. It’s slim, but perhaps not long enough to satisfy everyone, especially when it comes to some of the shallower penetration positions. It does hand much more nicely in a harness than I would expect, too. That’s possibly because although the toy flexes incredibly easily under any pressure, it’s also very light and so it doesn’t get dragged towards the floor by its own weight. What with the slight curve up in its shape, it actually ends up basically horizontal.

CONCLUSION

I’ll cut to the chase. I’d recommend the Doc Johnson Platinum The Slender dildo for those wanting to use it for anal, especially for those inexperienced in anal play. It’s petite, comfy and not as hard to insert as it might seem. Plus, it felt good. I’d be cautious about recommending it for a strap-on: too short and flexible, but nice and slim and hangs well. I’d be even more unsure about recommending it for vaginal use. It won’t pass muster for fans of girth or length, it’s far too floppy to put ANY pressure anywhere, but it makes me come and feels very nice. It’ll likely do nothing for your G-spot, though.

So, bear your personal preferences in mind as you look back through my review and see if the properties of the Slender match up with what you’re looking for in a toy. It won’t suit everyone, but for those in its niche, I think it’s actually a pretty great little toy. It’s body-safe, real silicone and beautiful colour, even if mine is steadily beginning to resemble Chewbacca. If you won’t mind the flexibility, pick one up from Sex Toys UK today! ♦

Why not read some more of my sex toy reviews?

Review – Fun Factory Stronic Eins

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Fun Factory Stronic Eins by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Stronic Eins, made by German manufacturer of exciting and colourful sex objects Fun Factory and sold by Lovehoney, is a toy whose very name (to me, at least) conjures images of lasers, tanks, spaceships and German industrial metal. If you’re calling it the Stronic One, you’re doing it a disservice. Because Stronic Eins sounds awesome.

The charger for the Stronic Eins is sold separately, which is a bit of a pain, but it works with all Fun Factory toys, so you’ll only ever need that one charger, which is both a boon for the environment and the local supply of cable tidies.

It charges, incidentally, for two to three hours for about two hours of play and does so via a little magnetic port on the base. If you’re used to the magnetic charger on the We-Vibe Tango or Salsa, don’t fret, this is much stronger and more likely to stay in place than that. Plus, it makes the Stronic waterproof, which is ace.

Stronic ButtonsThe Stronic Eins is very simple to use. The big, red FUN button turns the toy on and off and you use + and – to cycle through the various modes.

Since it won’t turn on unless you press the FUN button for about a second or so, it effectively comes with a travel lock feature. It also turns off instantly when the FUN button is pressed, making it handy in terms of discretion.

The Stronic Eins is made from body-safe silicone with an unusually matte surface. It really picks up dust, but not dirt and hair so much, and it’s very hard to keep clean because of that. It feels a lot like a rubber (or eraser, if you’re from “forn parts”, as Nanny Ogg would say) and so doesn’t feel that nice to stroke. Some may be put off by the micro-texture, but I couldn’t feel it during use. The handle is made from ABS plastic.

The toy is 9″ long, with 5″ insertable. Diameter-wise, it is 1.3″ at the tip, 1.6″ on the bulk of the shaft and then 1.8″ on the so-called “clitoral stimulator”, which is the effective base of the insertable section. The first inch and a half of the shaft from the tip is pure silicone, then the rest is silicone over a hard shell. This makes the tip of the toy very flexible and pretty squishable.

The shape of the Stronic Eins is, I feel, the mark of a toy that wants to please all of the people all of the time. The handle is ergonomic, which I can’t fault, with a slight downward curve towards the end to fit the grip (and the slightly matte plastic helps here). But it’s the shaft that confuses me.

The shape of the Fun Factory Stronic Eins Pulsator

Let’s get it out of the way: this thing is not going to stimulate your clitoris, whether you call the extra inch or so of silicone at the bottom of the insertable portion a “clitoral stimulator” or not. Like Epiphora says, everyone knows the truth. On the plus side, because it goes nowhere near my clitoris, it doesn’t get in the way of my ever more obsessive Tango usage either.

Furthermore, it’s a toy focused on pulsating and yet I’ve seen several places point out that it “curves slightly at the tip so it’s perfectly poised to stimulate your G-spot”. And it does curve at the tip, but it’s so very shallow that I’m buggered if it so much as brushes my G-spot. And that flexible tip means that it’d be especially useless at G-spot pressure even if it could find mine.

The curves look nice and the bump is harmless, they just don’t do anything. Luckily, I guess that’s not really what you’re buying when you buy the Stronic Eins. What you’re buying is an amazing new technology that makes your “vibrator” a “pulsator”. You’re buying a toy that thrusts: a toy that works because it has a weight mechanism inside it that moves physically back and forth, instead of the usual rotating motor.

(Please forgive the first 30 secs or so of this video, some weird warp filter has accidentally been applied. A fix will be coming when I get back to my PC)

The Fun Factory Stronic Eins comes with ten different modes. When you turn it on, you find yourself on a low constant back and forth, and pressing + will take you to three faster variations of the same thing. Past these are the “dynamic” modes: three different variations of mixed up pattern and speed. If you press – from your start point instead of +, you get the three “algorithmic” modes, which Crush (my resident maths expert) points out means basically nothing in this context. What they are are sort of jerky versions of the constant back and forth, decreasing in speed, with the last mode in this direction being a very determined thud-thud. All of the modes are surprisingly quiet.

When I first switched the Stronic Eins on in my hands, my first impression was: wow. This thing is, no joke, moving my forearm back and forth. You can feel the weight thrusting inside it and it actually looks and feels (in a “steam phallus” sort of way) like it has a life of its own.

When I first used the Stronic Eins, my first impression was: I don’t even. I did not get it, I did not know what to make of it. Perhaps not having the manual (my tester model came alone with no packaging) was a disadvantage here (although having seen most manuals, I doubt it’s that informative), but I just didn’t seem to know how best to use the Stronic to get the most out of it. What depth? What angle? How firm to hold it?

On the second use, I had an epiphany. It felt pretty good.

I find that the Fun Factory Stronic Eins works much better if you hold it fairly loosely and let it do its thing, rather than holding onto it tightly and and being forceful with it, as I often am with my dildos. I normally like force and pressure, so I was trying to shove the thing inside me, but it works a lot more satisfyingly when it can move about as it wants to. It’s a little counter-intuitive at first if you manhandle your toys the way I do, but it works much better. I was elated and thought I’d cracked it.

Sadly, on subsequent uses, I’ve lost that spark again. I’m still holding it loosely, still experimenting with different modes and angles, but it just seems not to amount to much. My enjoyment of the Stronic Eins is mercurial, fleeting. I find that it often feels “quite nice” rather than “[incomprehensible moaning noise]”.

There are modes I prefer: the first mode as you turn it on, the very fast constant mode and the very last “algorithmic” mode, the one that’s the jerky-thud-thud, but it’s a trial to get to orgasm with it. It feels more like something is shaking inside me than thrusting and there isn’t nearly enough depth to its “pulsating”, not enough in and out. I’ve found that it feels very good when I thrust with it as I would with a normal dildo, but it’s a thrusting dildo, I shouldn’t have to do that myself! That’s not the point!

Heck, I’ve even heard one or two sources refer to the Stronic Eins as “life-like” and incredibly close to the “real thing”. It’s just not true. (That’s not to say I need my toys to pretend to be a penis, I’m just making the distinction.) If this is how your lover fucks you, you may want to check they’re not the Judderman. It does not move like a real-life cock or dildo or strap-on, it shudders. It moves like a pneumatic drill, and not in a “bad erotica metaphor” way.

The Stronic Eins in monochrome

CONCLUSION

Beware the Stronic Eins, my dear, when the moon is fat… That is to say, look, it’s made of great material by a great company with great quality and a great interface. The technology is new, the technology is impressive and shiny and I really, really want for it to go on to great things. I’m just not sure that the Stronic Eins itself is a great thing.

There are several reviews out there that love this toy. You might yourself love this toy. But I don’t. Sometimes it feels very good, sometimes it feels completely meh, it always feels interesting and mostly it feels just quite nice. I don’t masturbate for “quite nice”. I just can’t seem to hate the Stronic or really enjoy it either.

I’ll borrow something I said in my review of the Lovehoney Sqweel 2 here: “I want to love it for offering me something truly different from my usual fare, but it’s too unreliable for me.” And that’s what it comes down to. It’s very interesting and I’m glad to have tried it, but if I’d spent all £128.99 of my own money on it, I’d be so upset. If you have money to spare and you’re desperate for a new sensation or you’re really into riding something that shudders like me seeing a jelly toy, buy it now from Lovehoney. Otherwise, you’ll likely want to give this one a miss. ♦

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Review – LELO Mona 2

LELO Mona 2

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Mona 2 by LELO in exchange for my honest review. Click any image to embiggen.

♦The Mona 2 is a high-end G-spot vibrator made by luxury toymakers LELO boasting a “perfectly contoured form”. As you may be able to guess from the name, Mona 2 is an upgrade of the original LELO Mona toy. I didn’t get the opportunity to try out the original, so I can’t compare it, but I can certainly review the Mona 2 on its own merits.

LELO Mona 2 PackagingThe outer packaging of the Mona 2 is a slim cardboard box, white on one side showing a pictures of the toy, listing the contents and blurbing the product. The other sides are the colour of your Mona 2 and are minimalist except for one side listing the features in various languages.

Inside this box is a much studier one in thick, matte black cardboard. When you open this you find the Mona 2 nestled in a velvety cut-out. In a compartment at the bottom of the toy are the charger, a sachet of LELO lube, a user booklet, an authenticity card and gorgeous black satin drawstring pouch. The inner box is very elegant and practical, so works well for gifting and storage.

On to the toy itself. My Mona 2 is red, but it also comes in cerise and purple if you like your toys to look the same as all the other toys. I like that there’s at least one less obvious colour choice. It’s a sliiightly pinky red, but it is red.

LELO Mona 2 Charging PortWhatever colour you pick, the Mona 2 is rechargeable, which is possibly my favourite feature a toy can have. It charges for two hours (the buttons pulse while it charges and glow steady when it’s done) for a play time of up to four hours, which is enough for several uses (or one marathon, I suppose). It reportedly keeps its charge when not in use for up to 90 days.

The Mona 2 charges via a little jack in the base that is covered by an attached silicone tab. Nonetheless, the toy is waterproof, thanks to vacuum-sealed charging port, which is really quite clever in a worryingly attractive way. Sorry, I love gadgets and futuristic stuff.

The LELO Mona 2 is made from silicone (over a firm body) and ABS plastic, making it body-safe and non-porous. This means you don’t have to worry about bad reactions and you can also share it (between partners or orifices) as long as you sterilise it thoroughly.

The plastic is very glossy, white and smooth, giving it a modern “Apple” look. The silicone, meanwhile, is perhaps some of the silkiest, most sensuous silicone you’ll ever feel. It feels fantastic and soft when run over skin and it’s lovely to stroke. It does seem that the Mona 2 has some drag to it when inside me, but I think that’s part of the curvy shape rather than the surface.

The silicone covers hard internals, which means that although it feels silky, there is basically no give to the toy and little flex to its shape. If you need a stiff curve to stimulate your G-spot, this will be great for you. If you like to be able to put pressure on your G-spot or clit or guide toys precisely around your sweet spots, the Mona 2 is great for that too. You can buck against this all you like. In fact, I tend to assume a death-grip when I use the Mona 2 and it stands up to my abuse every time without the slightest problem.

LELO Mona 2 SizeThe Mona 2 is a very lightweight toy and not astoundingly large, making it easily manoeuvred. It is 8.25″ long, of which around 5.5″ is insertable, more than enough to reach most G-spots. The toy is around 1.4″ diameter at its widest point (the midpoint of the pointed G-spot head), which narrows down to just under an inch at the narrow ‘neck’ of the toy.

The shape of the Mona 2 is very aesthetically and ergonomically pleasing and is designed with one thing paramount: targeting the G-spot. The white handle is wide but shallow and is curved to sit comfortably in the hand like a pebble. The front is engraved with “LELO” above the four-button interface and a charging port sits on the base. From the handle the shaft curves down and narrows slightly before curving up into a bulbous yet pointed head. More on that in a bit.

LELO Mona 2 Controls

The Mona 2 is very easy to use with an incredibly intuitive interface. The + and – buttons are on the right and left of the toy respectively (as it faces up) turn the toy on and off and increase/decrease the speed. You can either tap the buttons or hold them down to move up/down rapidly, which is really useful. It’s annoying to have to “Morse” my way through speeds. At the top and bottom of the interface are two arrow buttons which are used to cycle between the modes. The buttons are slightly raised from the surface of the toy, and are silicone rather than the surrounding plastic, so they’re very easy to find in the heat of things.

The Mona 2 also features a travel lock, which is mentioned on the packaging, yet sadly unexplained in the user manual. Nowhere does it state how to travel lock or travel unlock this toy, which seems a big oversight as it’s not as intuitive as how to turn the toy on or change modes, both of which are explained. As it happens, to lock the Mona 2 for travel, you press down on the – button and the + button at the same time for about three seconds. The buttons will light up and then go out to show it is locked. Repeating this action unlocks the toy again. So now you know.

IN USE

The Mona 2’s shape and G-spot angle is, for me, almost perfect and is definitely shaped very well. The toy enters my vagina easily and with very little effort it presses up into the G-spot. In fact, just that felt incredibly intense, especially since the hard material allows for more pressure.

If just pressing on my G-spot with the Mona 2 feels intense, you can believe me when I say that the usual rubbing and shallow thrusting feels amazing. The head of the toy feels fantastically shaped and the overall sensation of the toy moving in and out is divine.

I do, however, often find myself holding the Mona 2 at an unusual angle in order to get more G-spot pressure, especially when I get more into things, which is a little crampy on my hands. It seems the angle is not quite perfect for me and that the ideal would be a little more extreme, but it’s still very good and can be adjusted by the angle at which you hold the toy. I definitely think that the G-spot curve would probably work for most people and I have to say that it works very, very well for me.

But whether the shape alone works well or not, this is a vibrator, not a dildo. In fact, the Mona 2 comes with six different vibration modes, including steady vibration. The patterns are fairly standard variations on pulses and escalations except for the last pattern which, as far as I can tell, appears to be a random jumble of vibration types, similar to the PicoBong Moka‘s “Bumper Cars” mode.

As you can hear in the video, it’s also a very discreet toy. Watching it back, all I can hear for the first few speeds is the background hum of my camera. Not only does the noise not carry through my closed door, but it doesn’t carry through my open one either. In fact, Crush couldn’t hear it from under the duvet on the lowest two-thirds of its vibration speeds. If you require discretion, this is very much for you.

It doesn’t wimp out on the vibration strength to achieve that discretion, either. The Mona 2 has a huge variety of vibration speeds which range from a tiny rumbly flicker to very decently strong indeed. All the speeds are rumbly, for that matter, and although the power/rumble isn’t quite as satisfying as my Tango (or maybe it’s the silicone versus plastic), it is definitely strong enough to get me off, definitely strong enough to call a “strong” vibe and definitely strong enough for the vast majority of people.

Used clitorally, it’s very satisfactory, which makes it a great all-rounder vibrator, but internally is where it really shines. That’s when you get the full and fantastic combination of vibration, material and shape. In fact, I had my first G-spot orgasm which was purely from vibration. No movement, rubbing, thrusting or even any particular pressure, just powerful vibrations on the right place. It was amazing. Normally internal vibrators don’t really do a lot for me. I’m a vibe on the clit, dildo in the slit (forgive me) kinda girl. But the LELO Mona 2 has opened me up to the possibility of inserted vibrators matching dildos at their own game.

What with pure pressure, pure vibration and the usual rubbing, the Mona 2 has given me three different ways of pleasing my G-spot, which I’ve just not had from any other toy.

LELO Mona 2 Tip

CONCLUSION

LELO have made an absolutely wonderful toy here. It’s red (yes, it does matter what colour stuff is), it’s gorgeous both to look at and to feel and made from the most silky silicone you’ll likely ever touch, making it body-safe (and the fact it’s rechargeable makes it environment- and wallet-safe). It’s sterilisable too and cleaning it is so much easier due to the fact that it is waterproof in an impressively Space Age way. Not convinced it’ll hold up to bathtime? I am, but there’s always the one year warranty to ease your mind. The quality and luxury of the Mona 2 is tangible.

If I could change anything about the Mona 2, I’d have to get picky. I’d like a slightly more substantial and perhaps grippier handle area as it would make the toy easier to hold and especially easier to grip without running into the buttons. I’d also intensify the G-spot curve just a tad and whack the vibration strength up another notch as it’s not quite the perfect strength to make my clit delirious. That said, these are really just minuscule quibbles. It’s rare that I get the luxury in a toy to make minuscule quibbles.

It’s super discreet and effortlessly intuitive (travel lock aside), the shape is fantastic enough that it could be a dildo and still wow me, the vibrations are strong and rumbly and it can make me G-spot orgasm in three entirely different ways, one of which through vibration alone. If that isn’t enough of a recommendation, I don’t know what is. If it is, grab the Mona 2 with both hands. It’s worth it. ♦

LELO Shop

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Review – Fairy Mini II

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Fairy Mini II Massager by Vibrator Kingdom in exchange for my honest review. Click pictures to embiggen.

 ♦ The Fairy Mini II Massager, made by Merci Toys and sold by Vibrator Kingdom, is a USB rechargeable wand-style vibrator from a family of cutesy wand-style vibrators, all of which have ridiculously similar names. Mini, Mini II, Mini Mini, Pocket Mini? Jeez. Yup, that’s not confusing at all, Merci, thanks (or even merci). Vibrator Kingdom sells the Fairy Mini II in a set (but also separately) which includes the USB charging cable, a pink fabric storage case and two attachments for the head of the wand: the “Kurikuri” for women and the “Enema” (classy!) for men, about which more later.

The packaging for the Fairy Mini II is an uber-girly cardboard box with a see-through panel to show the toy. The back contains a wealth of information on the toy, mostly in Japanese but also in English, making this a cool gift for Japanophiles and slightly confusing for non-Japanese-speakers. The USB cable comes in a pretty plain cardboard box and the two attachments are in clear plastic boxes with fancy labels.

The Fairy Mini II is a wireless Lithium Ion version of the Fairy Mini from Merci. It can be charged at the wall or via USB, however the version sold by Vibrator Kingdom only comes with the USB cable. I actually find that preferable since my bedroom has very few plug sockets but my computer is pretty much on whenever I’m there. The wand is 8″ long and has a 1.75″ diameter rounded head that is ribbed on its 1.75″ deep sides. The body of the wand is made of ABS plastic with soft, rubberised sides and the head is silicone; the two are connected by a flexible neck. It’s not waterproof or splashproof, so be careful how you clean it. Damp cloth only, try to stick to the head area.

Aesthetically, with its white-n-pink body and worryingly cutesy logo, the Fairy Mini II is truly the Hello Kitty microphone of sex toys. Ergonomically, the handle is comfortable, the toy is light and the general shape makes for easy use.

The Fairy Mini II charges by connecting the charger to a port covered by a little rubber cover and there is a green charging light on the front that switches off when the toy is charged. I know that several reviewers have reported problems with getting the wand to hold a charge, but this has mostly not been an issue for me. After charging it for the first time, the Fairy Mini II did actually cut out after about 5-10 minutes (i.e., far too short), but since then I haven’t had an issue with it holding charge. It’s something to be aware of, though, and I will say I find it doesn’t quite hold charge long enough anyway.

The wand is turned on using a variable speed dial just above the charging light. The dial turns easily and is nicely grooved for good feedback, but what I found really weird were the directions. If you’re using the toy as you’d expect (head on your body and shaft pointing away towards your feet), you thumb the dial away from the head to power up and towards the head to back off and slow down. I always forget this, because it just seems so counter-intuitive. If I wanted to back off, I’d move the wand away, so surely I should pull the dial away to back off in terms of vibration? It’s irksome.

IN USE

Speaking of vibrations, they’re pretty strong (although they seemed a lot weaker on my first use, as well as cutting out early). They aren’t as strong as my Ideal wand, the only other wand I own, but on the other hand they don’t make my skin itch nearly half as much either. Though they are still pretty damn buzzy. And they’re definitely strong enough that I don’t just race to the highest setting like I do on a lot of vibrators. In fact, there are sessions where I won’t even touch the highest strength because I just don’t need it or it would be too much.

Of course, the massive benefit over my other wand, and any other two-speed wand out there like the Hitachi, is that the speed is variable and there are no fixed settings, meaning you can gradually dial the strength up or down. You can easily find the exact level you are happy with. If I had to praise only one feature of this wand, that would be it. The vibrations of this toy are strong and work fine for me, but they aren’t quite what I look for in a toy (rumblier is better) and the one thing this toy has over my other (rumblier) wand is the ability to truly customise my speed.

Whilst the Fairy Mini II is powerful, it’s also bloody noisy. It’s about as discreet in terms of sound as it is tasteful and subtle in its girliness. I mean, listen to that. It is loud. Not only loud, but really grating. The lower the speed, the whinier it is; the higher the speed, the more it channels a pneumatic-drill. There’s really no respite. If discretion is high among your list of priorities, heck, if discretion is even on your list of priorities, back away now. What’s really cute is, as you can see at the start of the video, you can even turn it to a setting where it makes a God-awful high-pitched whine but isn’t actually doing anything at all. Impressive.

Yet another downside to the toy comes in one of the main features of a good wand: the flexibility of that neck and head. Yes, the neck is flexible, but I found the Fairy Mini II had a depressing tendency to get weaker and weaker and eventually stop outright (but keep going with that catchy whine!) the more I bent the neck to get it to a good angle. That’s just bad design.

THE ATTACHMENTS

The Fairy Mini II Massager set sold by Vibrator Kingdom comes with two attachments for the head of the wand: one for women and one for men.

Kurikuri is the female attachment and is best described as a sort of slightly scary-looking bobbly-nobbly cup shape that fits fairly nicely onto the head of the Fairy Mini II and then cups the clitoris and labia. It looks really creepily medical, but there you have it.

At first, the Kurikuri left me cold and I really couldn’t see the point in it. Subsequent uses improved my impression of it, but I’m still a little dubious. On the down side: it’s ridiculous, it’s rubber (as far as I can tell) and it makes it basically impossible to include penetration in your play, which sucks. On the plus side: it is less itchy-making and seemed to make the vibrations sort of reverberate around its inner surface and the little tail of the cup (that gets in the way of dildos) was pushing inside me just enough to produce some really fantastic orgasms. It was definitely a fun sensation.

Enema is the male attachment and was a real pain in the arse (no pun intended) to actually get onto the head of the wand. It’s designed to hit the prostate. To be honest, I’ve not got much to say about this one. I’m not a man and the one I’ve got hates vibrations. I have an arse, but not a prostate, and I didn’t fancy using something rubber anally. I’ve heard one reviewer enjoyed it on their G-spot, so I tried that, but nada.

Luckily, Vibrator Kingdom also sells the Fairy Mini II on its own without the two attachments for £15 less, so if you don’t fancy the attachments, that’s an option.

CONCLUSION

The Fairy Mini II Massager is an uber-girly massage wand that, unfortunately, I’m not really sure I can recommend. If you’re into that kind of thing, you’ll love the pink femininity and the shape is ergonomic, even if the vibrations react really badly to the flex of the head. The fact that the Fairy Mini II has a variable speed dial (even a counter-intuitive one) is really its biggest plus point and is perhaps the sole reason I might come back to this toy in the future.

The vibrations are strong, but not stupidly strong for a wand, and they’re buzzy, though they don’t make me itch much at all. They should be deeper and rumblier, though. It’s whiny and irritatingly loud and it seems to have some issues (charge time and strength) that could either be first-use gremlins or recurring quality problems. They haven’t come back yet, but they might well as the toy ages.

In any case, for £65 (£50 without attachments), I’d expect more from a wand vibrator like this. If you’re really into girly pink toys, you’re a wand collector or you can overlook the bugbears of the toy, perhaps give the Fairy Mini II a try from Vibrator Kingdom. But for me, it’s not something I would pay for now I know what it’s like and that just means I can’t give it my seal of approval. ♦

Why not read some more of my sex toy reviews?

Review – Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest review. YMMV. Click any image to embiggen.

♦ The Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar, sold by Lovehoney, is one of five vibrators in Doc Johnson’s new Wonderland range, based (as you might be able to guess) on the weird world of Alice in Wonderland. This particular mint-green vibrator is based on the character of the Caterpillar. I love all things Alice in Wonderland, whether based on the book itself or simply using that sort of quirky gothic style, so I was keen to try out this toy.

PACKAGING

The packaging is very impressive, especially for a company I don’t usually associate with sophistication. First, a smooth, white cardboard sleeve with fancy gold-coloured lettering, showing an image of the Pleasurepillar backed by a Wonderland-style chessboard. Once you slip off this sleeve, there is a white box with the gorgeous, gothic Doc Johnson Wonderland logo on it. The top, bottom and right edge of the box are designed to look like the yellowed pages of a book and the box opens like one too, held closed by a hidden magnet.

Inside, the Pleasurepillar is held in a flocked plastic insert opposite another gothic image showing the five vibrators in the Wonderland range. Above this is a small amount of blurb that also mentions that each product in the range is made of body-safe silicone, features 10 functions and is waterproof. Sadly, this is the only product information you really get aside from an incredibly generic safety leaflet hidden behind the flocked insert, but apart from that issue, the packaging is wonderful. Classy, very true to the Alice in Wonderland gothic style and actually quite luxurious. I love it!

PLEASUREPILLAR

The Pleasurepillar is made from ABS plastic on the battery cap and is made from silicone everywhere else, making it body-safe and non-porous. Both the plastic and the silicone are incredibly soft and silky, which gives the toy a lovely surface. The colour of the toy also really appealed to me, with a pretty mint green shade. Sadly, there seemed to be some discolouration on mine, though, as the plastic cap and the silicone shaft were different but similar shades, which I felt really ruined the look of the toy.

The toy is 5.4″ long and roughly cylindrical, with three bulges along the shaft before curving into a bulbous little head. The shaft is 1.3″ diameter at the widest bulge and 1″ at the narrowest and the bulbous tip is an ellipse, roughly 1″ by 1.25″. It is waterproof and it takes a single AA battery, but that is not supplied.

The shape of the head is a sort of bulbous curve very much like the pad of a thumb and is very well shaped for rubbing over the clitoris. The smooth curve of the tip feels very pleasurable and really works well for circling around my clit and gliding smoothly over my skin.

As for the shaft, the toy is flexible from the last bulge upwards, having no internal structure under the silicone there. This makes for an interesting experience as although you can apply a fair bit of pressure and precision with the head of the Pleasurepillar, there is a fair bit of give to the shaft.

The caterpillar-like bulges on the shaft of the toy are very vexing. Externally, they’re useless and internally they make it hard to insert the toy and get very much in the way of moving it back and forth inside. That said, the inconvenient bulges aside, this thing does find and stimulate my G-spot rather well, though some might find the flexibility issue off-putting.

VIBRATION 

The Pleasurepillar is a vibrator that does a fair few things well, except that none of them are “be a vibrator”. It’s pretty, it’s safe, it’s awesomely-themed, but it is weak, buzzy and appallingly designed.

To operate the Pleasurepillar, you press the button on the base once to turn it on and then each time you want to change modes. To turn it off, you hold down the button for two seconds. It comes with ten modes: three speeds and seven patterns. Personally I would describe the modes thusly: (1) ‘high’ speed, (2) medium speed, (3) low speed, (4) rapid rising pulses, (5) fast pulses, (6) slightly slower pulses, (7) fast pulses almost indistinguishable from the first fast pulses, (8) small slow pulses, (9) big slow pulses and (10) pathetic flickering. But here’s a video that’ll likely be more helpful…

Do those patterns seem all the same to you? They do to my clitoris too. There’s a fair few of them, sure, but they’re basically all different kinds of pulsing at imperceptibly different speeds. Where’s the rise and fall? The wave? The variations of quick and slow? Seems to me that the point of patterns is variety and you just don’t get that here.

It’s a good job the base lights up gently and flickers in time with the patterns too, otherwise I’d barely know the thing was bloody well on. It’s pretty quiet (seemingly quieter than my camera’s hum on the video), which is nice if you’re into that, but still louder than it is strong. And that’s because it’s horribly weak. Buzzy as hell and horribly weak.

I really cannot say “buzzy as hell and horribly weak” enough to get this across here. The vibrations carry appallingly and are weaker than a watch-battery bullet, and when you’re compared poorly to a watch-battery bullet in terms of strength, you may as well give up . On my clitoris on “pathetic flicker” mode, I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was on. When I use it on my G-spot and put another vibrator on my clitoris, I can’t tell it’s on on any of the modes or strengths. This is really a problem because although the Pleasurepillar does fairly well (again, bulges aside) at rubbing my G-spot, I can’t really feel the vibrations there. It may as well not be a vibrator. And if it may as well not be a vibrator, it may as well be any of my better-at-rubbing-my-G-spot-and-not-plagued-with-bulges dildos I own.

Thing is, for fans of making-any-goddamn-sense-whatsoever, there are two things that are actually worse on the Pleasurepillar than its weak speed and they’re both related.

Firstly, it’s back to that description of the patterns and speeds. Did you notice how the three speeds go from highest to lowest? I just hope you don’t enjoy warming up slowly through the power levels of your toys, because if you do you’ll find yourself looping through every other mode to get the next speed up. Ridiculous. Of course, I just bung weak vibrators like this on the highest speed and imagine hard that I’m actually with the We-Vibe Tango, but it’s still unbelievably stupid.

Secondly, the way the vibrator works when you turn it off and turn it on again. Watch this…

Curiouser and curiouser! So, what, the Pleasurepillar has a memory function (usually a function that remembers which mode you were on when you switched the toy off and turns it back on on the same mode), but it actually remembers the mode you were on and then comes back on on the next mode in the series? Are you actually kidding me? Dear God, it makes me want to tear my hair out! That is just so fucking stupid! Other than starting on a completely random setting, that is the worst thing it could do. I hope you don’t take a particular fancy to any of the modes, because if you turn if off to reach for some lube or something and then come back to wanking, you’ll have to go through every single other mode to get to the one you were using. Every. Frickin’. Time.

So when I put it onto the highest speed, turn it off to conserve battery while I grab a dildo and come back to it, it’s moved on and gotten weaker. And I have to press the button as quickly as I can to get back to where I was. And I hope I don’t accidentally rush past it. Or accidentally throw the Pleasurepillar at a wall in rage. Who designed this? WAS IT SATAN?!

CONCLUSION

If nothing else in this review tells you anything, try this: I have never been as angry about a toy as I have about the Pleasurepillar. Even the woeful Doc Johnson 10X Power Bullet was just weak and rubbish. This is weak, rubbish and incredibly badly-designed.

Good points: the packaging and theming are beautiful and I really love the idea of literary-inspired toys (I hope the Wonderland doesn’t put others off making more), the colour is lovely, the vibrator is made of decent body-safe materials and the shape of the head is really good.

Bad points: anything to do with it being a vibrator, plus those annoying bulges.

Sure, some people probably like mild vibrations, but even if that’s what you’re after, there are better toys out there for you than this. Toys with an ounce of common sense. I know, I know, I should find it brilliantly appropriate and very dedicated that everything in this Wonderland-themed vibrator is topsy-turvy and nonsensical, but let’s face it: this wasn’t a cute attempt at a literary nod. This is bad design, pure and simple. I want my vibrators to be strong, ideally rumbly, easy to use and practical. The Pleasurepillar is none of these.

Nonetheless, if you still feel compelled to buy one, you can pick a Doc Johnson Wonderland Pleasurepillar up at Lovehoney now. Or, failing that, I might have one going, provided I haven’t chopped off its head. ♦

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Review – Tantus Purr

Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Tantus Purr by SexToysUK in exchange for my honest review. YMMV. Click any of these pictures for larger images.

♦ The Purr by Tantus is a non-phallic, premium silicone dildo sold by SexToysUK that comes packaged with a watch battery bullet that I will ignore at all times. Let’s face it, this is not a vibrator. This is a dildo that comes with a bullet that is of pretty much the same standard as any cheap watch battery bullet out there (i.e. not worth my time). That said, it is a dildo which can accommodate a better bullet if you have one. But more on that later.

The dildo comes in the usual Tantus packaging, which is (as I’ve said in greater length before) an aesthetic clear plastic box with red accents. It is not particularly suited to long-term storage due to its tendency to split down the sides.

The Purr itself is around 7″ insertable in length and has a diameter of about 1.5″, with a slightly thicker head than shaft. It is made of a smooth, glossy silicone (non-porous, body-safe and sterilisable) that doesn’t have much of a noticeable drag, though that’s likely because I’m too busy noticing the texture. And textured it is, with small (perhaps half a centimetre wide), shallow ribs starting at about 1.75″ from the tip of the head and reaching to the base. The Purr is curved subtly forwards and, although it is flexible, is fairly firm.

One of the first things that struck me about my Tantus Purr was the colour. Mine is in a shimmery lilac called Purple Haze that I at first thought was far too obvious (because stop making so many bloody lilac sex toys, world) and girly for me to like. But it’s actually gorgeous and I think the reason for that is that it’s a lot more subtle than it seems at first. It isn’t just lilac, it has a sort of blueish shimmer in the light and the colour actually has a lot of depth to it. I’ve tried to capture that in my photos, but trust me when I say it looks a lot better in real life.

How does it feel? Well, I’ll tell you now that the texture is not nearly as pronounced as it looks. The smooth, rib-free head makes the Purr very easy to insert, but when the ribs do kick in, I don’t notice them as much as I expect to. They’re not that raised/deep, being about the same as you sometimes get on the inside of a tin can, but softer, obviously. It feels textured to me, but not in the way I’d expected and in comparison I find something like the Tantus Echo (much bigger ridges, but much less of them) a lot more noticeable. I’d say the amount on the Purr is probably just right for those who aren’t massive texture-whores or those new to texture. A little sniff of texture, but nothing too scary.

The Purr is a good girth, length and flexible firmness (not too hard, not too soft) for easy thrusting and the slightly thicker head coupled with the subtle curve of the shaft means that it does provide some nice stimulation to my g-spot, which really pushes me over the edge. It’s not what I’d really call a “g-spot toy”, though, so for harder-to-please g-spots, it may not suit. In any case, it feels fantastic to use and it’s beginning to seem like Tantus can do no wrong for me. Every toy I’ve had from them has been different, yet every toy has been uniquely satisfying. This one doesn’t blow my mind like the Max O2 or the Throb, but it feels really great.

What I found particularly interesting about thrusting with the Purr, is that it didn’t give me any noticeable hand-cramping from using it at all. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s very worth noting as it’s a problem most of my dildos give me. I wish I could pinpoint a reason (perhaps the smaller, floppier base?), but it may be worth trying for those who suffer with hand cramps like I do.

The hole in the base, for the bullet provided, is particularly useful for a number of reasons. You can use it with the bullet it comes with (not particularly satisfying for me), you can use it with the Tantus Suction Cup accessory and, my favourite, you can use it with other appropriately-shaped bullets. My top-tip? Get hold of a We Vibe Tango or Salsa (Salsa is slightly more suited to the shape, but both work) and, making sure to lube the hole well so that it doesn’t get jammed in there, use that instead. The rumblier vibrations carry very well through the silicone. This tip won’t work so well for harness use, sadly, as both vibrators stick out a fair way from the end, which I can’t really see working.

Speaking of harness-use, the Tantus Purr is described as both anal-safe and harness compatible due to the flared base. Whilst it does seem to be anal-safe (though I didn’t test it as an anal toy), I’m not sure about it’s suitability for a harness. I was worried at first about the rather small and somewhat floppy base just pulling through the O-ring, though that didn’t happen. But it did mean that my purple ribbed cock sat incredibly poorly in the harness and drooped like soggy spaghetti. Those more experienced with harness than I can make of that what they will, but it wouldn’t be my first choice for a strapped-on cock.

CONCLUSION

The Tantus Purr is yet another hit from Tantus, not that anyone should be surprised. It’s not my favourite of theirs by any means, but that’s like pointing out that Rattata isn’t my favourite of the generation one Pokemon: it’s still fucking awesome, it’s purple and it’s only not the best because of the seriously high level of Win. The Purr is a great non-phallic, textured dildo, even if the texture doesn’t quite pop as much as it looks like it should. I wish it did, but it feels fantastic anyway.

It can be used with the bullet that comes with it or without and you can add your own bullet too if it fits. Whilst I wouldn’t really call this a vibrator, it’s definitely a plus to be able to make your dildo buzz. It’s body-safe, sterilisable, incredibly high quality and very pretty too. And you can pick one up right now from SexToysUK for a very reasonable price! ♦

The highest quality silicone toys from Tantus

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