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Dildology: Love Dildos? Donate!

♦ Regular readers of this blog or followers of my Twitter no doubt know I’m what some people could call a Sex Toy Snob. Sure, I get picky about limited colour choices and the gendering of fuck objects and the weakness of certain shitty vibrators, but there’s one area where I just don’t think the label Sex Toy Snob applies, because it’s just what everyone should be worried about.

The safety of your sex toys.

See, many of them just aren’t safe. You’ll have heard me talk before about my own bad experiences with dodgy jelly toys, how they went icky and gave me chemical burns, and you may have even read my 10 Reasons To Avoid Jelly Sex Toys. It’s easy then, isn’t it? Just avoid jelly! Sadly, that’s not the case. Horrible chemicals like phthalates aren’t just limited to jelly, they’re found in all sorts of porous sex toy materials, not to mention the fact that porous materials are impossible to truly clean. Well, surely just avoid those, then?

But it isn’t that easy. Unfortunately, sex toys aren’t regulated and there is no way you can know what on Earth a material with a fancy name like Crystalessence or Sil-a-gel is (unless you do some snooping) or even that a toy that says it’s phthalates-free or made of silicone is either of those things.

Until now.

Dildology Logo is a not-for-profit organisation and awesomeness-machine run by Crista Anne, Dangerous Lilly and Val Orenda with the purpose of raising the money to scientifically test sex toys in a proper laboratory to discover once and for all what’s really in them and if they’re actually safe for us. Their mission statement reads:

The sex toy industry is on the rise, yet it remains largely unregulated. intends to provide material verification services and maintain a public database of the results, adding transparency and oversight to the industry while educating the public about the science behind pleasure products. We stand on our own, unaffiliated and uninfluenced, and we are dedicated to protecting the health and well-being of the dildo-loving population at large through education (and maybe a little entertainment).

As an unbiased, unaffiliated, non-profit organisation, can’t take on any advertising in order to raise money, so they are asking for your kind donations. The majority of donations will go towards product testing and the rest will be used for fundraising incentives, equipment for experiments and the development of educational resources. And testing itself is hardly cheap at around $200-450 (£130-300) per toy tested.

When Lilly started the fundraising blog carnival, I knew I had to help out, hence this post. I’m already sold on how awesome is and, more crucially, how important and necessary it is for the safety of all sex toy users. I’m going to go donate, and get my friends to too, right after I post this, so I don’t need convincing. But maybe you do, so here’s some…

FOR REVIEWERS: The original sex toy tested by the Dildologists, the Jimmyjane Hello Touch, actually failed the common reviewer method of testing whether a toy is silicone or not: the flame test. But the lab results prove that the Hello Touch is indeed silicone. I don’t know about you, but I’m not keen on a world in which even us reviewers, the people who are supposed to know about sex toys, can’t actually test for sure if something is silicone or not. The flame test has failed us, we need something new. We need the Dildologists.

FOR CONSUMERS: We use sex toys for a reason: to improve our sex lives and to have a lot of, hopefully orgasmic, pleasure. We can’t improve our sexual happiness with dodgy materials, dangerous chemicals and absolutely no say over what goes into our own bodies. You really can’t tell me you don’t care what goes in there. At the very least we need to become informed consumers armed with the right to choose. And right now we just can’t have that. We need the Dildologists.

Dildologist T-shirtFOR EVERYONE: are looking to raise $1,500 throughout this blog carnival, and they’re willing to offer juicy incentives to donors. US and Canadian donations of $15+ will receive a 15% off code for SheVibe, UK and European donations of $15+ (£10+) will receive a code for 10% off Lovehoney brand products and Australian donations of $15+ will receive a code for 10% off storewide at MissX. Plus, at $50 (plus $15 for international shipping), you get this awesome t-shirt.

Tantus Curve DildoodleFROM ME: If you donate $30 (£20) or more to, you can get a free sex toy drawing called a Dildoodle (see right for an example) signed and hand-drawn by me for you of the sex toy of your choice (subject to me freaking out that I can’t draw that).

Send me an email after you donate and, once I confirm your donation, I’ll get chatting with you about what toy you want me to draw and send to you. It’s not much, I know, but I want to add a personal thank you.

So, please donate what you can, check out the rest of the great posts in the Blog Carnival Fundraiser and spread the word to everyone you can about this amazing cause. For safety, for science, for sex toys. ♦

Donate for Dildology

Zombie Nation

♦ I don’t have a zombie fetish. Gosh, that’s a sentence I should probably never have to write, isn’t it? But with my recent drawing of a sexy pin-up zombie that I showed you and the fact that I’ve written a story in an anthology of zombie erotica, you might be forgiven for thinking that I’ve an infatuation with the Infected.

And, OK, you’ve got me, I like zombies a lot. Just not like that.

I tried to fathom the sexy aspects of the living dead when I was brainstorming ideas for the aforementioned zombie-porn story. I came up with a few little titbits I could cling to as erotic features of a zombie – their feral side, their untiring nature, their relentlessness – but ultimately I couldn’t really find them a personal turn-on, even if I thought about it. I resolved to include actual sex with an actual zombie (though mine is infected rather than undead) in my story nonetheless, for the sheer challenge. As I said in my “story behind the story” post for editor Sommer Marsden, if I can make shagging a corpse fucking hot, I can make anything fucking hot.

Why am I reiterating my strictly-platonic-and-nothing-else interest to zombies now? Well, I just feel like you should know I don’t get off on risen-again corpses before you see my Toy With Me Tuesday this week…

The Fleshlight Freaks Zombie dildo and zombie paraphernalia!

I have loved the Fleshlight Freaks range of dildos (and male masturbators, penis owners!) since I first saw them. One day, I think I’ll write an entire post on them in ode to how fucking great they are, but I’ll sum it up here: they’re so well made, so detailed, so not pink and so goddamn unusual! It’s so bloody unusual to see horror and pop culture brought into women’s sex toys (I think less so for men’s, but I may be wrong). It’s so great to see something beautifully grotesque and truly different as opposed to childish or cutesy-poo or inoffensive or sleek or glam or “feminine”.

I knew I had to get myself one if I could, so when my zombie story actually got published in Hungry for Love, I treated myself to a Fleshlights Freaks Zombie cock in self-congratulation. The risk was zombies and the reward was zombies.

The Fleshlight Freaks Zombie dildo and a Shottle Bop zombie necklace

And look at it. Isn’t it absolutely gorgeous? It’s so fantastic and that’s before you even put it in you.

I figured I’d take a couple of photos of my new zombie cock and pretty much the rest of my zombie paraphernalia. In these shots you can see the Fleshlights Freaks Zombie dildo itself, a Left4Dead poster (for the No Mercy level, I have the Death Toll poster too but a friend pinched the other two. I bloody love L4D and L4D2), the Coming Together: Hungry for Love zombie anthology mentioned above, the novel World War Z, a non-fiction book called Zombies: A Field Guide to the Living Dead (which I picked up in researching – ultimately unused – ideas for my story), my zombie heart ring from Bete Noire Jewellery and my Zombie Gone necklace from Shottle Bop.

I went for a bit of a garish, B-movie feel to the colouring of the photos and added some grain and video-lines to make it more schlocky and zombtastic. Oh, and the title references this song. So, what do you reckon to my new bit of dead dick? ♦

Toy with me Tuesday


♦ I’ve always known I was a fantasy geek. I have a massive hard-on for swords and the fantasy genre is something I’ve grown up with. I’ve always appreciated sci-fi, but even though I love lasers and science and space, I wouldn’t identify particularly as a sci-fi geek (because that geekdom goes deeper than I can claim to have travelled). I’m not a horror fan as such, because whilst scary films are fine, I am an awful wimp when it comes to scary games 1.

Steampunk, however, is a bit of a newer genre, at least when it comes to being widely recognised. But it turns out I was a fan before I even knew what it was. Steam machines? Hell, yes. Corsetry? Damned sexy. Waistcoats? Like lingerie for men. Pocket watches? The height of cool. Cogs? Pretty! Dirigibles? Awesome!

I’ve slowly oozed into becoming a steampunk lover, it seems. The incredibly good Carnal Machines steampunk erotica anthology (which I’m considering doing a short review for) definitely didn’t help. When I saw this gorgeous corset on sale, I had to have it. Click the link, it’s worth it. The thing is beautiful.

So I bought it and soon, thank God, the perfect event came along for me to wear it. An Erotic Meet party. I pulled on a wench-tastic white blouse and laced my corset tightly over the top. I added my bronze pocket watch and my bronze Triceratops necklace. On my bottom half I started with nude hosiery, then black cotton bloomers, Victorian boots and a long black skirt hoicked up at the front to show off my legs. On my head, a top hat and, of course, goggles. I have to say, I think I looked pretty hot as a steampunkstress.

Here’s a snapshot I took, what do you think..? ♦




  1. Limbo was surprisingly doable, but the Ocean House Hotel level of Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines can fuck right off. Don’t even start me on Amnesia: the Dark Descent. No, really, don’t.


Sinful Sunday is all about the image. Hallowe’en is all about the horror. And this blog is all about the sexy. How then to combine the three? It’s easier than it seems. And I think Molly’s chosen quote for her Hallowe’en competition has the key.

“Where there is no imagination, there is no horror.” ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

As far as I’m concerned, where there is no imagination, there is no sexy either. And for imagination, you need a bit of brains; a bit of brains makes for a good fright and a good fuck.

Brains, you say?

“BRrrrAAAIIINSsss!!!” I reply.

You saw where that was going, didn’t you? Alright, I’ll admit it. I’ve been on a bit of a zombie kick lately. Bite me. ;)

For this Sinful Sunday I tried to come up with the perfect mix of imagination, horror and sex. Look at the girl above. There’s no denying she’s got a few more holes than you might expect and her eyes say “thousand-mile stare” more than “come hither”, but there’s something about her nonetheless. The fuck-me heels, the seductive pose, the wild hair that you could wrap your fingers in and tug until she cried for brains more…

Would she bite you? Perhaps so. She looks hungry. It’s up to you to imagine what she’s hungry for. Brains? Cock? Chunks of flesh and bone? Pussy? Love? Revenge?

If your imagination plays along, maybe you’ll find something exciting. Perhaps horror. Perhaps eroticism. Or hopefully, hopefully, just the right mix of both… ♦


Dildos & Dragons – The Barbarian

Toy with me Tuesday is about getting creative with your artistic side and taking pictures of your sex toy collection.

♦ The photo below is one I took a little while back for my review of the Tantus VIP Super Soft, a silicone dildo designed for both packing (wearing out and about to give the look of having a cock) and playing (fucking!). Since it was called the Super Soft, I really wanted to play up the soft side of it and give it a very luxurious, soft and sensual background.

A ferocious warrior who uses fury and instinct to bring down foes.

So, I picked up some furry items I had lying around and used those. The one more to the right is a fake fur shawl/scarf I picked up last Hallowe’en when I dressed up as Hel from Norse mythology/Dungeons & Dragons. The one more to the left is an actual real fur stole, which I know is contentious, but this thing has been dead over 75 years so owning him isn’t going to promote the fur trade and I figure if he’s already dead, I may as well treasure him and look after him. I’m not sure exactly what animal he is, but I call him Frederick and he only has one glass eye. One day I will make him an eyepatch.

Once I’d taken the photo, I realised how much it remind me of snowy tundra and thewy thighs. I like to imagine a magical carved phallus belonging to a barbarian king, breath vaporising from hot mouths in the icy air, naked bodies finding warmth on lavish piles of furs. Hence: The Barbarian.

Now I’ve thought of that I quite want to take a little series of dildo photos on that theme! You see, barbarian is one of the core character classes in D&D and I really think it’d be fun to take some photos based on some others. Warrior dildos? Mage dildos? Cleric dildos? God, I am a massive geek, aren’t I? :) ♦

Toy with me Tuesday

Beasties & Buttplugs

♦ Bit of a silly one for this week’s Toy With Me Tuesday. I took this photo ages ago when I wrote my review for the Fun Factory Bootie butt plug, but later decided it was a bit too daft to use. Excuse the shoddy background.

What you’re looking at is the beautiful purple Fun Factory Bootie nestled in the loving claws of a white dragon from Dungeons & Dragons (D&D). This particular white dragon is Crush’s model of Icingdeath (a nickname, real name Ingeloakastimizilian, because dragons are mental). He’s a dragon from RA Salvatore’s Drizzt books, if you’re curious (or perhaps even nerdy enough to know what I’m on about). He looks kinda derpy here, like all white dragons.

Doesn’t he look happy? Might be a bit big for him though. ♦

Toy with me Tuesday

Discworld and Dildos

♦ I love my camera (even though it EATS batteries) and I really want to get properly good at photography, so I’ve been doing artsy shots of sex toys for my reviews for a little while now. I love thinking up a scene that will complement the toy and I love getting a good shot. Sex toys are, in the main, sexy in and of themselves, I think. Not all of them, certainly, but some are practically works of art and some inspire lust in me by sight alone.

I love to see good photography of toys because I just don’t think there’s enough of it, so I’m thrilled to see Nymphomaniac Ness come up with a weekly meme that focuses on artsy shots of sex toys. Great idea and you couldn’t wish for a better reviewer to lead the charge!

Without further ado, here’s my very first entry to the very first Toy With Me Tuesday

Until recently when my Lovehoney Satin Drawstring Toy Bags arrived, I had taken to storing many of my dildos up on the top shelf of my bookshelf after cleaning. Many of them stand up nicely on their own and why muck about rummaging in a drawer when I can just grab them when I want them? So here’s the Tantus Echo, Throb, Niagara O2, Acute and Adam O2.

Sure, this isn’t my best sex toy photo in technical or imaginative terms, but it’s recent and you haven’t seen it before and I think it might make you grin. Good old Tantus toys in front of good old Terry Pratchett, both fantastic craftspeople in their differing arenas. Discworld and dildos, what more could a gal want? ♦

Toy with me Tuesday

White and Nerdy

♦ You might wonder where I’m going with this, but bear with me. A week or two ago, geek deity George Takei (who you should all love) hosted a photo competition on Facebook to search for his nerdiest Facebook fans. This is the photo that won the Biggest Male Nerd. It was submitted by one of the kids in the photograph, now grown up, who gave it the caption of “Future 40-year-old virgins”.

It is at this point that my imaginary clipboard appears and I start making furious notes, as those who know me well slowly back their chairs away. Because, frankly, what is up with that?

And it’s not just one guy being a bit self-deprecating either. This is a thing. The comments below were similarly full of “Set phasers to virgin!” and “The virginity is strong with this group.” (Wrong series, guy). It’s not just Star Trek nerds either. We posted up some photos online from the gaming event we ran recently and the first comment on a picture of a room full of geeks was “So many virgins”. TV Tropes even has a trope called Nerds are Virgins (don’t click unless you want to spend all day on a trope loop) and when TV Tropes says it, you know it’s true.

The joke that being sufficiently geeky will render you an unwilling virgin has become such an Approved Comedy Standard Joke that you’ll even find it parroted, as in Takei’s competition, by geeks themselves.

Enough is enough when it comes to the constant reinforcing of the idea that geek men (because it almost always is the men, women occasionally get a pass under the umbrella of “thinking man’s bit of crumpet”) will never have sex and never be sexy. Not just because it pisses me off or because it’s not true, but because it’s pretty nasty for men and women, geek and non-geek when you think about it.

So, male geeks are gonna be virgins because their playing Dungeons and Dragons or solving maths problems, for example, is somehow unattractive to women (I’m putting aside guys who like guys and girls who like girls for this to keep it simple, sorry). Not just “not actively attractive”, it’s repellent. Women, society seems to be saying, don’t like these things.  And we pretty much just do this with geeky things, as far as I can tell. When was the last time someone looked at a cricket match (not even an overly ‘manly’ sport) and said “Pfft, look at those virgins”? When did anyone ever make a comment of  “Look at that guy, he likes sports, he’ll never get laid.” and everyone just sort of accept as a Standard Joke?

On the geek side, it’s offensive to male geeks because we label them as sexless, frigid, awkward, desperate and even creepy. And, sure, while there are gonna be male geeks out there that are some or all of those things, that’s just not the case as a whole. I run a gaming society and the sheer amount of members who have slept with each other is ridiculous. Heck, that’s how I know Fractal and Crush.

What about female geeks? Great news, it’s offensive to us because what “guy geeks are virgins” is saying is that female geeks don’t exist. Think about it, saying that women don’t find watching anime or playing wargames attractive is saying that there aren’t any women out there who value these things and therefore essentially that there can’t be any women that actually do them. Hooray, I don’t exist!

Even if you’re a non-geek, it’s not looking good. Society sees geeks as intelligent and society says that male geeks don’t get sex, which basically evens out to mean that society says women don’t appreciate intelligence, or at least a certain type of intelligence. Savvy business men? Sure. Chess champions? Hell no. Worse than that, to me at least, suggesting that women don’t appreciate intelligence suggests that women aren’t intelligent. Am I going too far with this?

And for men as a whole, geekiness aside? Well, you’re only attractive if you do certain things and like certain things. Good luck. But hey, don’t fret, it’s OK. As this video shows, sometimes geeks are “in” and therefore it’s acceptable to find them hot and the world goes “Ooh, yes, geeks, they’re in, they’re attractive, didn’t you know?”. Because also women only like fashionable things.

I’m not saying we can’t ever make derogatory or offensive jokes about people, I love jokes in poor taste, but we can’t just keep lazily falling back on the “geek = virgin” stereotype. It’s so common, it’s boring. Sure, be funny, but don’t just phone in with “Haha, virgin” every time you see a lightsaber. That’s not a joke, that’s just being a dick. Labelling geeks as sexless losers means that we’re degrading male geeks, denying there are female geeks at all and possibly even implying that women are fickle and made of stupid. It needs to stop. Now.

And actually lots of us have plenty of sex. So there. Kthxbai. ♦

Jelly Destruction – Rabbit

♦ I’d like to say that by now the news that jelly toys are bad should come as no shock to you, but I’ve learned how easy it is to happily wank away without knowing what’s going inside you. So I’ll say it again: jelly toys are BAD.

You’ll have seen me mention this before on the blog when I talked about my own experience with a jelly ‘dong’ that gave me burning sensations and serious discomfort. Yes, it burned. Yes, it put me in pain. But I think the worst part might even be that I had no idea it wasn’t my fault. I thought I was hurting myself through impatience. I thought it was the price I paid for a sneaky midnight wank.

It might sound like I am, but I’m not stupid. I was in the sex blogging world, I was sexually open and inquisitive and I still didn’t know about the dangers of jelly and phthalates and all sorts of horrible chemical crap. Please take the time to educate yourself on this stuff if you haven’t already. It’s in your interests.

And, for the love of all that is orgasmic, throw out any old jelly toys you have lying around. Replace them with silicone alternatives if you like, they’re better quality, safer and will last longer.

In fact, I pulled out anything jelly from my toy drawer a while ago and have been waiting to give them suitably violent deaths. The Savanna jelly ‘dong’? That’ll have to wait for something spectacular for all the pain that’s given me. But for now I thought I’d settle with ripping apart my old version 1.0 Jessica Rabbit.

Yup, turns out one of my first ever toys is jelly too. Can you see it’s gone a bit crappy and mucky and has picked up a few black marks on it? That’ll be a giveaway then. (All these photos can be seen embiggened on the clickthrough, BTW)

It’s a shame, as I quite enjoyed this toy back in the days before I discovered dildos. And it never burnt me like the Savanna ‘dong’ did. (No, I won’t stop putting that word in quotes). But it’s clearly porous and icky, the marks show me that. So it has to go.

Getting the little beads out of their chamber was quite fun, though they were a little… greasy at first. They’re plastic, though, and pretty, so I’ve kept them. Not sure what for yet.

To be honest, the whole thing was greasy, actually. There were layers of jelly I hadn’t expected and between each of the layers was a sort of… stickiness. Lovely. And I bet that stuff doesn’t only leach inwards.

I’ll be honest. I took these photos for a couple more reasons than just to talk again about how jelly sucks: A) because I find the inner mechanics and workings of sex toys fascinating and hope you will too (not everyone gets to rip vibes apart) and B) because I really wanted to stab the stupid jelly bunny in his stupid jelly face. Ugh.

Serves you right for being so awful. I kept the beads, bunged everything else away and then washed my hands. Twice. Then I made sure to upload my jelly destruction photos of doom to the Crystal Delights RIP Jelly Toy Wall of Shame, because it is a fantastic idea and very worthy. The more manufacturers and bloggers and consumers speaking about this, the better.

Anyway, the Jessica Rabbit is gone now. Dead, destroyed, gone from my toy drawer and banned forever from my vagina. As it should be. The Savanna ‘dong’ still remains though. Any creative destruction methods for that one?

Unlike Mr Bunny here, I’m all ears… ♦

Changing Rooms

♦ Just a little update today because I’ve tons of things to do at the moment. Here’s a quick snapshot of me from yesterday. I went out to the shops as I’ve lost a lot of weight lately and my jeans now fall down unless I’m wearing a belt. So I figured it was time to see if I could fit into the size down. And I can! Hooray!

Whilst in the changing room I noticed how my legs were looking pretty good and what a cute photo it’d probably make in my Converse, Transformers boy-pants and dinosaur tshirt. So, yes, this is me and my legs and a teasingly placed hand. Perhaps I shall have to take a dirtier changing room shot next time…

Hope you like it and it’s not too tame. Figured it was about time I showed off a part of me that wasn’t my boobs for once!  ♦

Sinful Sunday