Review – Lovehoney Rock Box

♦ Disclaimer: I was provided with a free Rock Box by Lovehoney in exchange for my honest review. Your Mileage May Vary.

This toy confused me. Not in terms of how to use it, but what to think about it. Lovehoney seems to be selling this on the fact that it’s powerful and unisex and it certainly is both. It got me off, which is always good, but it leaves me cold. I don’t hate it, but I certainly don’t love it either. It’s just kind of alright. And that has perplexed me.

The Rock Box is designed as an “orgasm machine” with removable attachments. It is supposed to vibrate strongly on the clitoris and labia or on the penis and is mains-powered. The body is made of a silky plastic and the attachments are made of skin-safe rubber and are porous. I personally find that a bit meh, as it means they can’t be sterilised (just cleaned) and can’t be shared without a condom. And how would you condom these things? Luckily, the Rock Box can be used over your clothes, which is nice.

The Rock Box comes in a cardboard box which is quite large, but doesn’t really have much unused space as the toy is big too. It looks quite like a power tool box, but since every side has the words “Incredibly Powerful Orgasm Machine” on it, it couldn’t be confused for one.

Inside you get the Rock Box, a very long power lead, an instruction booklet and two attachments: the Hot Chick, a pink attachment for women, and the Master Blaster, a black attachment for men. Yeah, let’s stop there for a minute, shall we? Don’t give me that. I like that it’s a unisex toy, that’s a great idea, but black for boys, pink for girls? Hell no. It is the first thing I noticed about this thing and it offends me no end. Thanks for the sexism.

The booklet is handy, but it really needs diagrams on how to use each attachment against you. It’s not exactly obvious, especially with the Hot Chick (I am dying inside writing these names). The kettle lead is incredibly long (over five metres), which is generous, but it did actually vibrate itself out of the Rock Box once or twice on the highest setting, which is seriously not on and is possibly dangerous. You can actually see it happen in the video further down the page.

The machine is bulky, weighing around about a kilo, and is made of two plastic halves screwed together, which frankly looks a little cheap. The attachments are on a sort of slide that clips onto a groove on the machine body. They clip on in a pretty cool way, but I do slightly worry about trapping fingers or skin between the moving attachment and the machine. To operate the toy, there’s a power switch on the inside of the handle and a separate control wheel on the other side of the handle at the base that controls the speed of vibration.  The control wheel clicks beautifully, which is helpful as in solo-use you can’t really see what number of vibration speed you’re on as it’s facing away from you.

Showing how to position the toy: imagine my toe as a clitoris and the ball of my foot as the curve of a pussy. Weird, I know.

IN USE 

I would call the Rock Box the ultimate lazy toy. You don’t even have to take your clothes off to use it (and they suggest you don’t on the first try),  you just sort of apply it to your crotch and wait. When you feel the need to, you can up the vibration speed. That’s it.  You don’t even really have to move it around as it’s not really designed for that and it’s more effort than it’s worth.  I clamp it to my bits and hold on.

And I say “my bits” because you can’t really be much more specific than that. It just sort of wibbles your whole crotch. You can’t do precision, you can’t do pinpoint clit pressure, you can’t move it in little circles like I love doing. You can just about get something more pinpoint if you use the tip of the “tongue” on your clitoris, but that’s not how you’re supposed to use it. I find it strange that the Hot Chick attachment has a pointy tongue shape low down into your labia, but at the top at the clitoris it’s pretty much just a flat plate with no nubbins or anything. I love my precision clit-rubbing, so that was a real disappointment.

Is it powerful? Well, yes. The product description calls it a boneshaker and it’s true. One of the best things I found to do with the toy wasn’t exactly how you’re supposed to use it, but was pretty cool actually. I knelt over it on the bed with it facing upwards and used my body and the bed to keep it in place and sort of hump or grind on it. That was actually really fun (and is much more so, I found, than using it as you’re supposed to), but it did indeed shake my bones. At one angle, my vision was actually gently shaking from the rattling vibrations.

The Rock Box looks like a power tool and sounds like a power tool. Mine also seems to have a little rattly noise that sounds like a loose part jumping around, so I’m not sure if something has come loose inside. Either way, it’s noisy and can be heard easily from the next room with the door closed in our house. The vibrations are strong and do get me off, but I’m not sure if I’m really keen on the whole experience. It works, I come, but I’d rather be using something else, something where I can focus the attention on my clit better. Or really at all. If you like the sound of whole-crotch rumblings, though, you’ll probably like this.

As for the male attachment, what did Crush think? Well, I should say right now that he’s not a vibrations kind of guy. He doesn’t even really enjoy using vibrators on me because they buzz his hand. But he tried this and he, well, didn’t hate it as much as he thought he would. it felt sort of pleasant, he said, but it wouldn’t make him come. Whilst I tried it on all the speeds (I seem to be rare among reviewers in being brave enough to try six, but it didn’t seem like much of a big deal to me), Crush only tried 1 and 2. Even so he complained that he could feel the vibrations in his stomach and it made him queasy.  But, as I say, he’s not got much toy experience and doesn’t like vibrations, so make of that what you will.

CONCLUSION

The Lovehoney Rock Box is an odd one for me. It makes me come (though I find the second orgasm MUCH harder than the first) and does indeed seem to be powerful, but I don’t think I actually really like it. I like it a lot more using it from above than how you’re supposed to use it, but it just sort of leaves me cold. I hate that it has stupidly-named parts which conform to sexist colours (pink for girls, black for boys), I hate that the attachments are porous (especially unwelcome on such a pricey toy), but I don’t hate it. I just don’t love it.

Is it one hundred pounds of good? I don’t think so. I bought the We Vibe Tango for £35 and I love that and it’s not far off this in terms of strength. Plus, it’s more ‘luxury’ and suits me far better. I just feel that for £100 the Rock Box should be a bit nicer. It’s strong, but it’s a bit cheap-looking: noticeable screw-holes on the body, an obvious seam on the (porous) attachments. I would certainly not call it a luxury toy.

For me, it probably comes down to the fact that I prefer more focused clitoral stimulation, more ability to rub my clitoris in circles, more ability to apply focused pressure and a toy that is less of a huge bulky machine. It’s fun to grind against and I might keep it for that, it’s also nice to have a toy I don’t have to strip for, but otherwise it’s not the toy for me. But if you like the sound of a powerful but unsubtle toy that rattles your whole crotch and perhaps more, maybe go for this from Lovehoney. For me personally, though, I’d be spending £99.99 on a toy that just does the job and doesn’t wow me. And for that much money, that’s not what I want.

Also, lay off the colour sexism. ♦

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