Bacon. Just the word “bacon” conjures up sights and smells and even the sounds of sizzling. But more than just a foodstuff, these days bacon is very nearly a brand, perhaps an icon. I’ve seen cuddly bacon, bacon mints, scarves of bacon, bacon plasters, bacon bras… The amount of bacon-related merchandise is immense.
Bacon has become the new religion and many are its followers.
But what to buy the bacon-worshipper who has everything?
J&D’s are the company that make Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and other bacony food stuffs and fads, but they accidentally branched out a little further than they expected when their April Fool’s joke “Baconlube” gained masses of fans demanding it be produced. But is it anything more than a novelty?
Baconlube comes in a small, clear plastic squeeze bottle inside a cardboard box. Both box and bottle have “Baconlube” written fully down the side in white text and are also sparsely decorated with rashers of bacon. It’s not a product that you can get away with if you want to be discrete, but I don’t know if discretion is what you look for when you’re buying a lubricant that smells like meat.
You get 57ml in a bottle for £9.99, which makes it one of the pricier water-based lubricants, but since it is designed to be a limited-run product, that can be expected. The bottle is a decent size and, because it’s clear, it’s easy to see when you’re about to run out of your precious baconated liquid.
The bottle has a flip-top lid that is easy to open, but I found actually getting the lube out slightly harder. It’s viscous enough/the lid is clever enough that it doesn’t just drip out of the bottle when you tip it (which some will find a pro and others con), so you have to squeeze the bottle, which is perhaps slightly too stiff for that. It’s not too bad now, but I imagine when I get near the end of the bottle, I’ll need to be outright taking the lid off and waiting for it to pour.
Its consistency is fairly runny and liquid and drips down my hand at quite a rate, being only a little slower than water. To compare it to other lube I own, I’d say it’s not quite as runny as Wet Naturals but certainly a lot less gel-like than Durex Play. It spreads nicely and is not too sticky, but did start to get tacky after a little while. After using it on Crush’s cock, his erection was rather sticky, which wasn’t brilliant. It’s probably something you’re going to need to reapply fairly often if you’re someone who needs/prefers good lubrication or if you’re using it anally.
Ingredients-wise, it is free of parabens (there is some evidence that these are harmful), but it does contain glycerin, which some people prefer to avoid since (being a sugar) there is a potential to aggravate yeast infections in some users. This means it isn’t in the top-tier of natural and hypo-allergenic lubricants, but I can say I’ve had no problems with any yeast infections from using this lube thus far. Since it’s water-based it’s safe to use on silicone toys and since it’s vegan, it’s not just for carnivores!
But this is all just foreplay. What does it taste like?
There’s good news and bad: Baconlube tastes and smells broadly of bacon. The problem is that word “broadly”. Could I be confused into thinking I was licking liquid bacon (get on it, Science)? No. Is it at least bacony? Yes. Straight from the bottle it smells a little over-sweet and not particularly bacon-like. During and after use, however, the meatiness of the bacon comes through. I used it with Crush and halfway through sex I suddenly noticed the strong meaty, savoury smell in the air. It was slightly surreal.
Taste-wise, signs are less good. Whether straight from the bottle or plastered on a lover’s body, it tastes rather like the slightly sickly sweetness of quite a lot of lubricants, but with a baconish edge. There’s definitely bacon there somewhere, but it’s not the main taste. I slicked down Crush’s cock with it and tried it from his body, but that only seemed to make it even less baconlicious. When Crush tried it out on my breasts, he said it was too sickly to really keep at it for very long. He is fussier than me, though, and I found it generally tolerable, if not nearly as nice as some other flavoured lubes.
Let’s face it though, is it really about whether it’s super bacony or the best lubricant ever? It’s a decent enough lube and most of them have some downside or another. It even tastes pretty bacony for something DESIGNED FOR YOU TO FUCK WITH. And there’s just that bacon charm to it. It’s a somewhat kitsch thing. It’s the kind of lube you could imagine someone owning ironically. It’s a novelty. But it’s a novelty that actually works.
It’s not the most bacontastic thing ever, but I’m pretty proud just to own a bottle and I think it’s possible the sexy, and somewhat good-humoured, bacon lover in your life (it might even be you) might be pretty pleased too. And frankly, the thing I love most about Baconlube is that they even made it at all. Some guys looked at bacon and went, “You know what? People could fuck each other whilst covered in this” and that man was a genius.
It’s a great concept, it’s a fun gift and it’s a fairly standard lube if you don’t expect that gourmet bacon taste. If you want to keep it sizzlin’, you can buy your bottle of J&D’s Baconlube from Lovehoney. ♦
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